I'm not going to lie, this is going to be a rambling post. You know, just one of those rants that just has to come out? ... a really random, often change of thought direction, rant.
Bed Rest has given me a lot of time to think. A lot of time to do mindless activities such as watch tv, movies, pinterest, facebook... I'm getting bored. My mind has been racing... about a lot of stuff. I need to stay busy... this whole bed rest crap sucks. I am a busy body, I am not a lay in bed all day and do nothing type of person.
Recently I have found my mind to be wandering. A lot. .... Dreaming, imagining, wondering...
What would my life be like if....
Would I be happy if...
Where would I be right now if...
So many ifs....
And then there are the 'why me's?' to add to those wandering thoughts of mine...
Life in general has been extremely hectic for me. I have always found a way to resolve my issues, but as of late my issues seem to be building up and my walls are about to come crashing down. Issues ranging from friendships to pregnancy scares. Silly disagreements with my husband to not being able to put my socks on in the morning. Maybe it's just the hormones going insane. Maybe some of my issues are legit to make me crack and crumble, I'll even admit that some of the issues that have been tearing me down are simple little things that should mean absolutely nothing, but I blow them up out of proportion.
I keep trying to look at the positives in my life, but the negatives keep engulfing those positives to make them look like an ant next to an African Elephant. This is where my life is becoming more hectic. I can sort my goods and my bad's anymore. They are all starting to flow together because so much has happened to me that I am getting confused as to what comforts me.
Do I find comfort in bad things happening in my life?... I don't know. I enjoy the comfort that people surround me with when bad events happen, but I don't enjoy the things that happen. I enjoy the encouragement, visitors, prayers... the 'comfort' that comes along with certain events. This is what is confusing me.
I spent 20 hours in the hospital Wednesday night and Thursday morning. I HATED the feeling of the unknown, not knowing what was going to happen with me and the baby. Not knowing if the baby was safe, healthy, coming sooner than expected... but yet I was comforted by my family, my friends, the community...
I hate having marital bouts with my husband, but I know that they happen in even some of the strongest marriages I have ever seen survive. I find comfort in knowing my husband is there to stick next to me through some of the stupidest arguments, and some of the hardest arguments. I have found myself to be starting arguments for the fun of it, just so we can "make up and get over it" and go back to being 'us'. Sometimes I just need to 'fight' to feel better. Another strange place I have been finding my 'comfort' lately. Even if an issue isn't something between Brad and I, I bring it between us just to get that 'get it out of my system' feeling. I give my husband props and I respect him a ton for standing by my side through some of these things that I keep bringing between us.
So I guess the whole point to this post is.... where does my comfort come from these days? I still don't have an answer, even after ranting and getting all these words out. All I know is that I am more than looking forward to this baby coming. I find comfort in knowing that soon I will have a child of my own in my arms after 12 1/2 months (as of now) of pregnancy hormones, emotions, stress, and events. Even though I am looking forward to her, I DO NOT want her to come out of this enlarged belly of mine in the next 10 weeks. She needs to BAKE! Lets aim for at least 15 months of pregnancy hormones, emotions, stress, and events until this little lady comes to meet us!
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