Memorial Day

Well, Brad and I made it past the first Memorial Day since Paige.

Awkward.

Everyone always thinks that Memorial Day is all about the veterans, or those who served in active duty, or were in the military... but for some of us... it's not entirely about that.

I do not mean to be rude to those who have a special place for Memorial Day for a lost soldier, a vet, or a military family member/friend/whomever it should be. But for me, Memorial Day has a completely different meaning.

I looked up the meaning of Memorial Day on Google, just to see what comes up as the definition, and this is what I got:


me·mo·ri·al day  

Noun A day, the last Monday in May, on which those who died in active military service are remembered. (in the Southern states) Any of various days (esp. the fourth Monday in April) for similar remembrances.

Even according to Google, Memorial Day is a day to remember those who were in the military service. Once again, I don't mean to be rude, but for me, it's not only about that.

I have other family members and friends that I believe ought to have a day of remembrance also. Not just those who were in the military. To me, Memorial Day is a holiday where I can morn the loss of two very special loved ones in my life. Memorial Day always used to be a day of "gathering" for my family after Breiton died. It was a day for us to get together, have a huge picnic in the park, and talk about the amazing smile, the awesome times, and the endless love we had for my little brother. It was a day of happiness, laughter, and grief.

This year, another little body was added to the list of morning for me. Paige. As much as I so wanted to go and visit her grave, once again, I lost the courage to do it. I am dreading the day. I had some family members bring a flower pot out there, and they texted me to tell me I could take it to the house if I wanted it there instead... Even with an excuse to go and visit her grave, I have still denied myself the opportunity. I just can't force myself to go. I'm just not ready. I like to sit here in my big house, working 12 hour days, playing with the dogs, acting like my life is normal. Acting like nothing ever happened to me. It's just easier. I try and forget the pain, suffering, and memories. I numb myself.

I know I will eventually have to tear down that wall of "sealed off from reality," face my fears, and visit her grave. I know that some day I will have to go and order that headstone, decide what style we want, what words to use... but today just isn't that day. I know it will come. I know it will suck. I'm just hoping that someday down the road it will be easier that it would have been today, had I chosen to go today.

Every day it gets easier and easier for me to look at all of Paige's stuff that I have around the house. Pictures, memorial candles, toys, funeral gifts, etc. I know that eventually it will be the same thing as how I now feel about Breiton. I still think about him alot, but I have had 8 years to recover. Just like with Paige, I will have (hopefully) many years to recover, and to start fresh once again. It seems like yesterday, but we are up to 5 months since she entered this world as and Angel, and it will be many more months before I will see her again, but I know that option is there, as long as I live my faith and my life in Gods path.

Dutch Circus...

Last week my bestie from the East decided to come and visit me one last time before we were both swamped with the summer heat and working full time. She took an internship in SE Iowa and will be over 6 hours away from me for nearly 5 months. We both decided this weekend was a good time for her to come visit me and get a feel for my new home here in NW Iowa.

Laura came to visit me Thursday afternoon. She even helped me for a few hours at work putting up some more calf pens, feeding babies, and helping me do some other random stuff I had to get done. I took the day off Friday and we BOTH slept in for a change... which was very nice, might I add.

After we slept in and chilled around for a few hours, we headed off to Sioux Center where Laura applied for an internship for next summer with Central Vet. She starts vet school at ISU next fall and is looking for an internship to assist her in her studies next summer. We then hit up Rock Valley because she needed to get measured for a bridesmaids dress, which was a fairly short, sweet, and too the point event. We also hit up the second hands store there in town, and I bought myself a new pair of jeans!

We then hit up the "amazing" Kelly's drive in in Hospers for some quick lunch and headed off to my dads house to grab my camera and head out to the dutch circus. Laura had never experienced the Tulip Festival before, so it was quite the culture shock for her. We walked around down town a little bit, caught up with my younger sister Cassie, then headed off to Missy's house for a "Straberrita" before the parade. Dad showed up and we all headed off to the parade. Laura and I split a Gobblestop Turkey Shop turkey leg, a caramel apple, and grabbed some water. After that We headed off to our house, where everyone was getting together for a fun evening.

A few drinks later, and hitting the bed at 11:30, I was shot. I had to work last weekend, and Saturday AM was QUITE interesting... me on 4 hours of sleep... NOT pretty. Lol. Needless to say, I took a couple of hours off in the afternoon for a nap! :) Laura left Saturday after I cooked her breakfast. She had a wedding to attend in Des Moines, so she headed out somewhat early in the day.

Saturday night, Matt and Nikita came home for the last Tulip Festival parade, and we all met up. It was a bitter-sweet meeting as the Kleyer's had their 2 month old baby along with them. Evyn was due just 2 weeks before Paige was. Ally, Evyn, and Paige would all have been 8 weeks apart, and they would all have been great friends! I'm not going to lie, it nearly killed me to see two of our closest friends and their husbands show off their adorable little girls to friends and family that walked past them at the tulip festival. It hurt to watch the two of them talk about their daughters and the quirks and specialties that motherhood has brought to their lives. Just hearing them talk about the habits/actions of their little girls made me wish SO bad that I could join in the conversation. I felt really bad, but eventually I just had to walk away. I walked over to the guys and joined into their conversation... which wasn't as interesting as learning about silly things that Alli and Evyn had done or do, but it kept my mind off of the hurt that was slowly sneaking back up to my chest.

It's hard. It's been hard, it'ts going to be hard, and it will always be a memory of the past. But. I look forward to the day where I can meet another Baby Punt. I will cherish that child so much more due to the past experiences, and stories I have heard from our friends. I cannot wait to experience motherhood for myself, and I know it will be a lot easier having two great friends who have already experienced it, but, I still would have loved to join in the unknown journey right along side them. Someday... I will get my wish. I just need to have patience.

May 22

After 9 years of a life without the most amazing boy in my life, I am honestly trustful of Gods plan for me.

9 years ago today, I woke up thinking it was just going to be another typical Sunday afternoon. The dinner for the day was planned to be left over soup from the Monica Tent from the Tulip Festival, and we were going fishing at one of grandpa's fields where the creek flowed through it.

Tons of sucker-fish later, laughs and giggles from the younger kids, our lives all changed for forever.

9 years ago I never saw my life changing as much as it has so far, to this day. I've gone through so much pain. misery. loneliness. depression. So many emotions have been a subject of my life. So many feelings and different problems always present, always ready to pop up in my daily life.

After 9 years, I am able to accept my life for what it is. Many paths and journeys that I have been down, have not been in my life plan what-so-ever. God obviously had a different idea than I did.

Not a day has gone by that Breiton hasn't been ever-present to me and my life. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what it would be like if he were still with us... It's hard for me to imagine a 13 year old, TEENAGE boy running around, excited to start football, and other different sports. I cannot believe the time that has gone by since I saw the bright face and gorgeous smile of his.

I have the same thing with Paige. I can't do anything but imagine what life would be like. Paige would be just over 2 months old right now if everything had gone according to my plan. She would be cooing, smiling, and holding up her head all by herself. Just like I imagine "B" to be running laps around a football field, throwing shot put or running track. Oh how different life would be if we didn't lose the ones we love.

Everyone has experienced some kind of loss. Everyone has had to say goodbye, weather it was for a short time, or for the rest of their lives. Goodbye always sucks, and I feel like I've had to say it a few too many times in my life. But, as I said earlier, God obviously has a different idea than I did in my life plan.

As I live my years, according to God's plan, I am starting to learn more and more about the plan that is so much different than my own. When I see other people have to suffer through things they never planned on either, I can't help but wonder, how are they handling it? I can't help but think, are they stronger than me? Is there any way I can help? How do I show them I am here, when they want to do it all on their own?

... I seem to be one of those "I can do this on my own" type of person. I don't openly communicate about my feelings, accept for on here, my blog. Brad is my one, human excuse. He hears it all weather he wants to or not. He has been my rock for the past few weeks. Work is a stressful, full-time commitment. Brad has been here for me every step of the way. He has helped me become a better person, and I am so glad that we have worked through our issues after Paige. Nothing is ever perfect, but we have learned a lot about each other through this journey together.

9 years ago my life changed for forever. 9 years ago I lost one of the closest people in my life. As far as today goes, I miss Breiton, but I miss Paige also. I miss a lot of people who are no longer here with us. But, I am accepting the fact that this is in the past, and the present is now, time for me to live it. The future is in Gods hands, and there is nothing I can do to change it.

Much Love, Roz