Smiles, Giggles, and Head bobs…

1/3^rd of a year. 4 Months. 17 weeks. 119 days.

The amount of time I have survived without Paige. The days are starting to blend together now that I have a job that keeps me occupied 60 hours a week, but that doesn’t make it any easier at the end of the day to go to bed with empty arms.

I’m really starting to miss the feeling of being a mother. The feeling of pure joy and excitement as the due date draws near. I get overwhelmed when I watch some of our closest friends experience parenthood. How they get to take their little kids on “family trips” or get to experience their children’s “firsts.” It truly is a very difficult task being a mother to a tiny baby angel.

These past few weeks have been very hard on me. Brad is still working 3 hours away, which leaves me home alone whenever he is away. He has been coming home on weekends, but I still wish we got to spend more time together. Life just seems more complete with him around. I have been spending a lot of my time with Mike, Tiff, and Alli as they live fairly close to us now. This past week I have really noticed just how much I truly wish Paige was still here. I have been able to experience Alli’s smile, her giggle, holding up her head on her own (even if there are a few head bobs in there), finding out what rattles, feet, and hands are, her baptism, and I even got the joy of taking her 3 month pictures. I never thought I would be jealous of others parenthood, especially after having Paige, but here I am… coveting friends’ lives. Even though I wish I could walk this journey with our friends, just like I experienced the journey of pregnancy right along besides them, I know, deep in my heart, there was SOME reason God didn’t want me to have Paige in my life on earth. For SOME unknown reason, she wasn’t meant to be my earthly child.

4 Months later I am still asking the question “Why me?”… I still haven’t figured out the exact answer. It’s hard to see the positives in my journey with Paige.  When I ask myself what she gave me, I can always come up with the negatives.  There seem to be barely any positives to me… I don’t know. It’s confusing. What did I gain from Paige??... A broken heart… A huge stress factor on my marriage that could crack at any moment… empty arms… useless baby supplies (diapers, wipes, clothes, toys, books, blankets, etc…), and an even bigger dream of being a mother to a beautiful, healthy, adorable little girl. The only positives I can think of are that she gave me the best 6 months of my life. 6 months of my life where my world revolved around her, where my daily routine was based on her. 6 months of my life where I had everything I wanted. I had a husband who was excited to becoming a dad and loved the two of us unconditionally, a place I could call home, a family. And here I am.

Alive. Breathing. 4 Months after I thought my world ended. I’ll never forget the doctors words “There is no movement in your baby’s chest…” Those words will remain in my mind, as well as the overwhelming feeling of failure, heartbreak, anger, frustration, fear, disbelief, and whatever other un-explainable emotions all ran through my mind at that exact moment. But I am surviving. Holding on. Life is getting better. I know God has a plan for me, I’m just waiting for that plan to be something that I want… for something to go right for once. He found me a house; he found me a job; now I just wish my other prayers would be answered as well.

Home is where the Heart is...

Well. I'm pretty much completely settled into the house. Brad was here last weekend and he said he actually really liked the house, which I was extremely glad to hear. He still doesn't approve of the location (being back in NW Iowa), but we are working on the kinks.

As promised, I am here to give you all a virtual tour. Bear with me as my house is a mess.  After a 70 hour work week, and a few other events going on in my life, not all of the boxes are unpacked, and not all of the house is decorated. But, here it goes!

There is an entrance from the garage. This is the hallway leading into the house. On the right (not pictured) is the master bathroom, which connects to the mater bedroom. The door on the right, that you see, is the master closet. The door on the left is just a storage closet, and the opening just past that is the laundry room, on the left. You can see the kitchen straight ahead.

This is my laundry room. It's not huge, practically a closet, but it has a nice big counter and a lot of cupboards that I can store stuff in. I am able to fold all of my laundry on the counter top before bringing it back to the bedroom/wherever it belongs. 

This is the view of the kitchen from the hallway that leads into the house from the garage. I have a DISHWASHER! :) The kitchen and dining room are all one room, with a little island separating them. 

This is the view of the kitchen from the spare bathroom/ office/ spare bedroom #1. Don't mind the mess on the table/island... that is all of my scrapbooking stuff. I started Paige's book and didn't feel like picking everything up between use. This will hopefully force me to get the book done quicker! 

The room that I turned into my office... has two doors to the same closet. Doesn't make sense to me, but whatever! It's not being used as it is my office instead. 

The desk, covered in boxes, with all of the decorations laying on the floor. I will eventually get to this room! 

This is the spare bedroom, with he mattress laying flat on the floor. I have yet to put the frame up and decorate this room as well. To the right of the picture is a closet too. 

This is the spare bathroom that is upstairs. It is right next to the spare bedroom and the office. 

This is the master bathroom. Through the door you can see is the entryway that leads to the kitchen/garage. The shower is to the right of the picture. 

Master bedroom from the door of the bathroom. 

Master bedroom from the door of the living room. 

Master closet that leads to the hallway/laundry room! :) It's HUGE

This is the living room form the door of the master bedroom. We don't have furniture for this room yet, we are still working on it! To the left is the 

View of the living room from the front door and steps. The door in the corner leads to the master bedroom, and the kitchen is to the right. 

This is the view of the steps from the front door. 

The kitchenette downstairs is to the left of the steps. We put a mini fridge down there to keep pop and drinks in for when friends come over instead of hauling it up and down the steps. 

This is what we made into the living room. Both of our couches and the tv and stuff are all downstairs and we are going to make the living room upstairs just a sitting room for visiting. 

This is my storage room...  I could do a TON of canning foods and keep them down here! :) 

Spare bedroom #2 with a twin size bed... nothing else.. kinda plain yet, I know. 

This is the utility room. I come in here, the door leads to the garage, after work and take off my work clothes and boots and stuff to keep from tracking through the house. 

Spare bathroom #2 which is down stairs as well.. 

Well folks, there you have it... The grand tour of my 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house! :) Now, I just need some more furniture. :D 

Birthday Shenanigans

So, as many of you may know, I had a birthday on Saturday. YAY... lol.

Brad came up to NW Iowa for the weekend to spend time with me since it had been nearly 2 weeks since we had last spent time together. He wanted to be here for my birthday, and to come see the new house. He arrived home late Friday night, and we were both shot!

Saturday morning Brad and I woke up around 8 AM. I quick ran out to the barn to check on the calves, and to make sure everything was going good, and it was besides one heifer that had scours. I texted my boss, informing him that she needed to be treated (since it was my Bday and I had the day off...).

At 9 Brad and I ran to Wal Mart in Sioux Center to pick up a few things for the house, and then we headed off to Orange City for the city wide Garage Sales!! Woop! At one of the garage sales we found a HUGE sale and found a brand new set of women's golf clubs, still in the box, with the plastic still around the clubs. It was 1/3 the original price at Scheel's. So... that was Birthday Present #1 from Bradley Jay.

Later on in the morning Brads phone started acting up, and my phone was to the point where texting was impossible and I couldn't stand how it would randomly take screen shots and it would freeze. CONSTANTLY. I was due for an update on my phone so we went to US Cellular (also because we had to pay our bill), and I got present #2... A NEW PHONE! :) ... We also got one of those new 4G Internet compact Wi-Fi things for around the house... so I now have internet!

Brad and I came home after we ate at Pizza Ranch, my favoritest place to eat EVER, and we did some things around the house. I got all of our decorations for the basement hung, and a lot of the other picture frames hung above the stairs. I will soon be posting photos of the house and giving you all a virtual tour of our new place. My favorite word to describe it is "Huge."

We made supper, grilled, and dug into the sangria. Mmmm. The Sangria was TO. DIE. FOR! My favorite!

Anyways. I had invited some friends over for a bit of a birthday/new job/new house celebration. Mike and Tiff, Cory, Tay, Logan and Danielle, and Tracy and Allen all came to help me celebrate. And. We. Had. A. Blast!

It was too wet and soggy outside to really have a bonfire or anything... and the wii games we had just weren't very exciting. Instead the boys decided to play Bocce Ball... in the basement.

Tiffany and Tracy also had a great time in the garage, playing a CD from their high school days, and looking up the songs on their iPhones and making a new playlist for themselves. While they enjoyed their time doing that, Brad was showing off his fashionista characteristics with MY leopard print slippers. What a man. 

 The four of us ladies had a BLAST. It was a great time getting to know Tracy a little bit better, along with Danielle. I have spent many nights with Tiffany, and have really been happy to meet new people and welcome new ladies into our circle of close friends. We decided to chillax on the floor while the boys played with their balls. :p

I had asked Brad to take a picture of Maddie and I. ... Mike was in charge of the ears... and Tracy was in charge of getting Maddie to look at the camera.... I'm sure many of you have no idea as to why this was comical... unless your in the show calf industry.

Overall, my birthday was a fantabulous night. I had a blast spending time with our friends, eating great food, and drinking a little bit too much. 

Needless to say. Brad and I spent the entire day on Sunday laying around the house, sleeping, drinking lots of water. Oh, and don't forget about the advil... 

Hickory Hill Dairy Calf Herd Manager

Hey all,

I know its been a little while since I posted last, but this past week has been stuffed and packed with multiple activities of a varying type.

Last week Friday, April 6th, I had an interview at the 'Newkirk Dairy.' They have been looking to fulfill the position that manages the calf operation. One of my friends had actually interviewed for the position, and they had offered her the job. A couple of weeks after that, she received another job offer and took that one instead. She had told me about this position, which I had recently knew nothing about. My dad feeds calves for the dairy as well, and he really didn't know about it either. Last week Thursday, I was outside helping dad fix a gate and walking through calves and treating sick ones. Steve Meissner (The Owners Son) happened to stop by Dad's while I was helping. Steve then talked to dad while I kept on working and fixing a few things. Steve asked dad if I would be interested in the position since they were looking for someone to fill it. Dad, of course, told him about my experiences of helping him on the farm when we had bucket calves, and Steve seamed to like that.

I interviewed with Steve n on Friday, and he offered me the position on the spot. I told him I had to think about it, and that I had to talk to Brad, of course. After a long talk with Brad and a weekend of pondering, I called Steve on Monday and accepted their offer.

I get paid fairy well. I get Health Insurance, 10 Days Paid Vacation, Retirement Plan with a match up to 3%. I also get to pretty much make my own schedule, and I get to help decide who is feeding calves, and on what days, when I'm not around. I also get a house. A huge, nice, house. 4 bedrooms (one that I'm making into my office). 3 Full Bathrooms. Access to the basement through the garage, which is nice when I'm covered in calf crap at the end of the day, I can go straight to my mud room, and not have to walk through the house. There is a 2 stall garage attached to the house, which goes right into my back entryway.

I had friends over last night to celebrate my Birthday/Getting a Job/Moving into a new House. They all really liked the house, which I am glad. A few of them even said they were jealous. Lol. It is a really nice house. It's a modular home that was moved on here about 13 years ago. The house itself is only 21 years old, and it was up-kept very well. I am pretty much all settled in, but the house is still very naked as I don't have enough furniture for 3 bedrooms, 2 living rooms, and the huge family room downstairs. We are working on getting a pool table from some friends of ours to help fill in the huge 'gap' downstairs, and we are also waiting on a couple of couches for the upstairs 'visiting room.' It will be very nice once we get all of our furniture in.

The one thing about the job that I'm still adjusting to are the long hours (4:30 AM to 4:00 PM currently), and the days will get busier and busier. Right now I only have 43 heifer calves that I am overseeing. Starting in May we will be calving about 200/ month. Half of these will be bull calves, which are picked up 2x a week (which is nice cuz they are DUMB). At the moment all of our heifers are in individual pens. In the near future we are packing a plot of dirt and putting calf huts up. The calves will be moved into the huts once they are a week to a week and a half old, so we can open up more of the pens in the barn.

In the near future, I will be getting very busy. I look forward to learning more and more about calves though. I have had a blast so far, and look forward to many more experiences. I really enjoy my boss, and I enjoy the Mexican's that work around the farm as well. There is never a dull moment with the Mexicans that I work with. I have figured out one thing though, and that is that I will need to update some of my Spanish! I am a little rusty, even after 3 years in HS... which was 5 years ago!

Keep in touch, and be ready for my next post: "Birthday Shenanigans"

Playing "Farmer"

These past few weeks have pretty much flown by and the days have started to blend together. Being unemployed hasn't exactly been the 'dream' but, I'm managing. Brad is still working his tail off at his job down in Anita. Calving cows, helping with sales, chores, etc. He is starting to hit his busy season now so I'm pretty sure he's keeping busy around there!

I have been chillaxing at my dad's place for the past few weeks. I heard from Boehringer-Ingelheim about the position in Sioux Center and they filled it with someone who had more experience. I also contacted the Fort Dodge location to see what the status was of that position and they said it will be another few weeks before they made a decision. Ufgh. Thursday I met with Premium Iowa Pork in Hospers, Iowa to talk to them about possible positions either in their Quality Assurance or their Laboratory area and they are looking into a position to me, and I also talked with one of the local dairy's who is hiring right now for a calf manager position. Many options are out there, I just have to figure out what God has planned for me.

Well, the past few weeks I have been playing 'farmers assistant' to my dad. He is prepping for planting season, moving calves around, and just doing general work around the farm.... Here are a few things that I have helped with and done in the past couple of weeks.

My right hand gal here decided SHE wanted to be big stuff and operate the ski-loader instead of letting either my dad or me inside of it!

We mad some deer brats, deer burger, and deer jerky in dads shop. We cut it all up, ground it, seasoned it, and stuffed the casings all by ourselves. 100 pounds of meat! 

Cassie learned how to stuff casings for the deer brats. She had a blast! 

Shotzie decided that the calf feed bunks was a good place to lay. Nice and cushioned, and she could eat while she laid down... (I don't get what it is she likes about that calf feed... ucky.) 

Dad got a new load of calves in last week and I helped him unload the truck and sort out the small ones and stuff. I love working with the calves and being outside and working around the livestock. 

 Last Saturday I graduated from the old 'golfball' to my NEW 2005 Ford Escape. Brad graduated from no vehicle to the White Escape. :)

 I also made this nice little patio table. If you know anyone interested in buying it, let me know! :) It's in need of a home! I am planning on making a few more of these for Brad and I to have on our deck, eventually, when we move into a new place.

We cut down a few trees also. The cedar tree's smelled SO amazing. I love the smell of Cedar. 

My latest project is "Chicken Farming." This morning I went out and bought myself 43 broiler chicks to "fatten up" and butcher. I just needed something to 'take care of ' that didn't have 4 legs... so THIS is my resolution. If anyone is interested in buying Home Raised chickens in about 7 or 8 weeks, let me know! I will be selling them! I PROMISE they are good eating! 

Now I'm off to another project of the day... Tearing down an old house with dad. We already ripped off one side of the wall, now off to do the other 3, the roof, and the floor! ... Anyone have a guess as to how many coons we will get by the end of the afternoon!? 

Dwindling Light...

Viewer Discretion is Advised: there may be a few French words throughout.... I apologize in advance.

I really, quite honestly, haven't had a lot of courage to be blogging much this past week. Today I think all of the emotions of the past two weeks caught up with me. I usually do a fairly good job at keeping my emotions in check, and being able to work through my issues for the day, but today was not one of those days. 

 I still haven't heard anything back from any of the jobs that I applied for, but I am hoping to hear back on Thursday. The Sioux Center location has their last interview 'early this week' and were hoping to let me know by Thursday. My fingers haven't been uncrossed since I got the 'update' on the position last Friday. 

I have been living with my father for what seems like, months. I've only been staying here (2 weeks) because I absolutely despise being at Brad's work... sitting around all day while he's working. No internet. No TV. Just me and my library of movies, which I have seen 100 times over. Brad and I aren't really enjoying this 'long distance relationship' that we have been dealing with. He has to work, which I COMPLETELY understand, but I can't just sit around and do nothing down in Anita all week either, while he works his ass off. Not to mention sleeping in a BARN where the rats, mice, and other unspeakable rodents live as well. It seriously grosses me out to be there, and Brad absolutely doesn't understand it... because he loves it.. :s I just don't see what he see's in that Southern Iowa location. As much as he tries to explain it, it just doesn't come. 

I've been struggling with my emotions these past few days, mostly. I see so many of my friends, or friends of friends, having babies, announcing their pregnancies, getting married, or just having a 'normal' life, and yet their COMPLAINING about how awful it is.... It all seems so unfair to me. 

Everyone tells me that I have been so strong and that I deal with everything in my life so well. I agree. Yes. I do handle situations like this fairly well, but there are days where I feel like my life is in ruins. Today was one of those days. Everybody has their weak spots. You can't be strong forever. Here's a peak into my emotions on a day like today. 

(This is where the 'Bitchy' attitude is going to come out in this post... Sorry, but sometimes I just need a rant... and THIS is my rant. If you don't want to listen to it, then don't, it won't hurt my feelings. Ignore my SHOUTY CAPITALS also...)

My life. I can't even 'sum up' my life. Too much SHIT has happened to me. And it's just NOT FAIR. I know... 'life's not fair'.... I know, I know, I know. Believe me. I know. I've been 'to Hell and back', I've been kicked over and over and over in this life, and I just want ONE thing to go right. I'm sick and tired of hearing people, or seeing Facebook posts about how shitty their lives are. All I can think is ... 'you have no idea what I would give for THAT life'. ... I see so many people complaining about their pregnancies... how they have morning sickness, or how they are 'always' hungry or exhausted or cranky or ready for it to be over with... but what they DON'T realize, is that there are people out there that would give ANYTHING to be in their shoes at this exact moment. I see people complaining about how their baby kept them up all night, or their baby is fussy, or colicky, or made a mess of their carpet... and then there's people like me, again, who would give ANYTHING to experience that. But I CANT. Because MY child was taken from me. Why?? Nobody knows. Nobody can tell me ANYTHING to make me feel better about it. If my life was easy, it would be such a miracle. I have TWO college degrees, yet I STILL haven't found a job after graduating FOUR months ago. I have lost TOOOO many people in my life to not expect the negative to always happen. My dream was FINALLY coming true of becoming a mother, and that rug was pulled right out from under my feet. I have been kicked and whipped  and beat over and over in this lifetime that sometimes I wish I could just push the 'easy' button and rewind and re-do everything I've ever done, differently. It's days like today that I regret not taking a moment to take it all in and be thankful for everything that I once had. It's days like to day that I just wish I could walk up to Breiton's memorial site, or Paige's grave and just pick them up and hold them and have a normal conversation with them. 

On a normal day, everyone's complaining and 'shit' in their life doesn't bug me. But on days like today, it drives me NUTS how they can just complain about every little thing that goes wrong. I feel like its unfair that people look at the little things as major things. When I am starting to see major things as little things because they happen so often to me. It just doesn't make sense to me. 

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Yesterday Pastor Jeremy's sermon for Easter Sunday was about Jesus giving his life up for us. He briefly talked about how Jesus came to save us from not only our sin, but also from hurt and grief. He wanted to take away our pain. I still haven't quite gotten my head around that idea. I am struggling to understand why there is still so much pain here on the physical earth. Maybe I misunderstood his point in this sermon, but that's sure what I thought he was saying. Hopefully, somebody, can explain this better to me...

People may see me as a strong individual for still having Faith. People may tell me over and over again about how strong I am, and how amazing my Faith is, but sometimes... I just DON'T feel it. Today, I definitely wasn't feeling it. I'm still not as I sit here bawling my eyes out writing this post. My candle is still light, but on days like today, it's just a dwindle. Ya know... when a candle has too much hot wax and the wick is barely keeping it's flame above the liquid. When I go to sleep, the flame will be blown out, and tomorrow I will start fresh, with all solid wax once again. Tomorrow, I'll wake up and it will be a whole new day, and I'll be back to my 'normal' self. Today was just one of those days where I needed to vent, get it out, and be done with it.