Paige Marie's Story

Paige was the result of love. Nothing else. Just pure love. You all know how Paige came to be... Although she wasn't a thought in our lives at the time, she became a huge blessing to not only myself, but to many others as well. With emotions ranging from ecstatic to scared, I knew this little one was being introduced into our lives with a purpose, a reason for being who she would become. From the moment I saw this: ... (see picture below)...

... I was scared, freaked, excited, worried, happy, and most of all... so unconditionally in love with the little sea monster that grew within me. 

Brad and I saw the Dr. for the first time at 9 weeks along. We discussed different Genetical Defects that could be tested for, and which tests we wanted to have performed. At 12 weeks along we got to see and hear, for the first time, the creation that had come to be. Although I couldn't feel it just quite yet, I knew she was there. When we heard that heart beat for the first time, Brad and I both just looked at each other and smiled. With a great sense of love, excitement, and joy. When we heard that heart beat match up to the flutter on the big screen black and white TV image, we knew this was real. It was no longer just a stick that said "pregnant" but it was truly our little one growing and becoming something we knew would change our lives forever. This was the week that we had the genetic testing done, hence the ultrasound. Everything read "on the dot" to what it should. Nothing out of the normal, she measured right on the spot to where she should at 12 weeks along. 

(12 week Ultrasound)

At around 13 weeks, shortly after our first ultrasound, we announced to the public of Baby Punt's existence. Many people were thrilled and showed their support and excitement for us. Many people saw it as a shock, as this was nothing we had been planning on. With excitement growing within our families, we started to become more and more excited as well. 

(Our Characticture from the State Fair) 

At 14 weeks along I started to feel "the showing" come to be. I started gaining a bump. Although I still couldn't feel anything inside that bump, I knew it was there. I knew that the little one was growing, although not very quickly at this point, my body could feel the hormonal and physical changes that were coming to be. My friends started noticing the bump, and people started rubbing it. As much as that bugged me, looking back I wish I hadn't taken it for granted. I would do anything for someone to come up and pat my pregnant belly right now. 

(14 Weeks Along)

As the weeks flew by, I knew we were nearing the middle of the pregnancy. I was SO excited to find out the gender of the little Sea Monster that grew within my tummy. With the anatomy scan ultrasound, we measured everything imaginable within my uterus. The size of the mouth, eyes, head, chest, belly, spine, arms, legs, feet, hands... we even measured the kidney, heart, and liver sizes. This ultrasound really made me realize how detailed and how special this little one was going to be. Even at 20 weeks along, our child had every organ necessary for life, even though they were underdeveloped yet at this point, they were present. We also learned that Baby Punt was a girl, and soon thereafter, decided on a name for our little Pee-Wee. A daughter of my own, made in the combination of mine and Brad's images. Even at 20 weeks, on the 3D ultrasound we could pick out different characteristics that came from the two of us. A symbol of the love that we shared, not only with each other, but with the young one that would soon come to be a child, a daily task in our lives. A joy, a thrill. 

(20 Week Ultrasound) 

At 28 weeks, I thought I was becoming miserable. "Only 12 weeks left" was a common thought of mine. I was counting down until Baby Paige would be here, on earth, with her mother and father. As anxious as I was, the worry came along with it. ..."The nursery needs painting," "I need to find a job for after maternity leave," "I need to be closer to Brad's work so he doesn't have to drive back and forth all the time." Typical maternal worries of nearing the end of pregnancy.

(28 Weeks Pregnant) 

Two weeks ago today, Friday, December 28, 2012, I was sitting in the Dr's office, listening to little Paige's heart beat at 143 beats per minute, passing my glucose test, and weighing in 30 pounds higher than 8 months ago. The FIRST appointment I had gone to alone in the 28 weeks of the pregnancy because Brad just couldn't make it this time. It didn't bother me that he was missing what I thought was just another typical 30 minute visit/check-up. Never in my life would I ever have seen the events that followed within the next 72 hours.

After leaving the Dr's office on the 28th, Paige was extremely mobile. I thought nothing of this as I had just drank a disgusting orange fluid (whichever nurse told me it tasted like orange cool-aid ought to be shot in the foot for lying to me) that was overdosed with sugar for my glucose screen. My maternal instincts knew something was different, but I blamed it on the sugar. Friday night Brad and I made a 4 hour trek home on icy, slick roads. The entire ride I felt nothing. This didn't worry me either because Paige had never been mobile during long car rides. I blamed her in-activeness on the lull of the ride. Nothing out of the normal to me. Saturday morning, the 29th, Brad and I went to breakfast with my father and great-grandfather. Again, I felt no movement, but Paige has never been very active in the morning, and I figured she was tired from the excessive movement and sugar rush Friday afternoon. Around noon I texted Brad and said that I was getting worried because I still hadn't felt any movement. I wasn't "concerned" but I was a little worried. Brad and I both didn't want to get too worked up so we were going to just wait and see if she was still sleeping. Around 4 PM Saturday, I woke up from a nap and Paige's body had moved way up to my ribs... this was normal after getting up from laying down for a while. I did the typical "shove" on the top of my belly to shift her body down farther so I could be more comfortable... This relieved some of my worry because I knew that her body had moved some-what... not making me tie this to her still being immobile. Saturday night we had supper at Brads grandpa and grandma's house. After a HUGE meal, I knew something was wrong. Paige had ALWAYS been mobile after me eating a large meal. This was when the worry set in....

After a lot of commotion at GnG's house, Cathy rushed me to the ER in Le Mars where my mom was working for the night. NEVER did I think I would hear the news I was about to hear. I knew something wasn't right, but I never thought my little Pee-Wee would never enter this earth without a first breath.

When we arrived at the ER, I was impatient. I wanted to know what was wrong, and I wanted to know now. I was NOT happy to be told "Please take a seat, I will be right with you..." "Um. Excuse me!? My baby isn't moving and I need to be seen now"... was my first thought. But, I paced in circles, waiting for my turn. After being admitted, Brad and I were brought to a delivery room where two nurses came in with a Doppler to pick up Paige's heart beat. With a full meal going through my GI tract, they couldn't pick up any definite heart beats, but they kept picking up random noises that were coming up at ~115 "beats" per minute. They checked my heart rate and I was "racing" at 100 beats per minute. That was still enough to give me hope. As small as that amount of hope was, I still held a sliver of it. Brad and I were worried, but we were beginning to realize what this all meant. Our family came to see us just before Brad and I were moved to another room so that they could do an ultrasound. When the Dr. pulled up that ultrasound screen and neither Brad nor myself saw any movement in our baby's chest area... we both looked at each other and knew what this meant.

The Dr. informed us that the ultrasound tech was about 45 minutes away. Brad and I didn't feel like waiting in the ultrasound room so we asked to be returned to the delivery room we had started in. When we returned Brad and I instantly broke down into tears. Our family began to file into the room, which was when everybody put the puzzle pieces together. Brad was so strong that night, and the next few days to follow. He was my rock. I cried many tears into his chest. Our families have both been through a lot, but we never expected this. Many hugs were exchanged and tears were shed... It wasn't extremely "real" to me yet at this point, even though I knew what it meant. After the ultrasound tech arrived, read the ultrasound, measured Paige's body parts and confirmed death of baby Paige, Brad and I were transferred into a real hospital room. We were placed right next to the "family room" which was where all of our "guests" waited and conversed during our stay. It was such a blessing to have so much of our family present to help us through this journey. I also had some of the best nurses ever. Early Sunday morning, the 30th, the Dr. "checked" me to see how my cervix looked... she explained it as being "locked up as tight as a safe." .... They had to soften my cervix by medications. My aunt Denise came in around 10 AM to do some maternity photos for Brad and I. I am so glad we had. The photos show my bump so perfectly, and show us as a family before all the future changes occurred. These pictures will always have a special place in my heart.

By noon on Sunday the Dr. put me on Pitocin to jump start contractions. By mid afternoon I was feeling contractions every 3 minutes. They weren't painful but I could feel them. The Dr. also had to stimulate my cervix to dilate by placing a catheter into my uterus. This caused pressure to push down on my cervix... this replaced the role of a baby's head. Since my baby wasn't actively moving and causing pressure on my cervix they had to trick my body into thinking it was time to dilate the cervix. As things progressed, we discussed different options for after the birth of our baby girl. Did we want to perform an autopsy? What did we want to do if there was visible signs of why this happened? How were we going to go about this? ... so many questions that needed answers. All questions I wasn't prepared to answer. By 9 PM Sunday the contractions were harder and only about 30 seconds apart. They gave me sleeping pills and I slept until midnight. I then got up for a short walk, and shortly after requested the epidural. The contractions were now painful and I just wanted everything to be over with. At 1:30 AM I received my epidural and shortly thereafter went back to sleep.

When I woke up at 6:00 AM, I knew things were about to happen. Big things. The Dr. came into my room around 6:45 and discussed what our options were for delivery. At 7:00 AM she broke my water and informed me it was time to push... Brad and I hadn't started our birthing classes yet, so the nurses had to coach me through what to do. Being as I couldn't feel anything from my belly button down, I was guessing as to what muscles I was using.. (sounds weird but it's so true). Breathe in, hold 10 seconds, and push with all your might.

At 7:40 AM, Paige Marie Punt was born into this world. Although she was stillborn, she was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I know every mother says that about their baby... But Paige was so Angel like... My Angel. A true mixture of her father and mother. The first thing I realized when I saw her face was that thick, full head of black hair. Gorgeous black hair. This was when everything became real to me. Holding my still baby girl for the first time. With a broken heart I held her, kissed her forehead and handed her to daddy for the first time. I wished so desperately to hear that first cry that all mothers dream about. When the Dr. looked over baby Paige's body, she discovered a twisted umbilical chord. The chord had formed in a spiral formation. When she untwisted it, the chord would re-form and twist back into position. The Dr. called this "telephone chord" because that was what it was like. The umbilical chord just could't manage Paige's needs inside the womb any further. I believe that the high amount of activity Friday after the Dr's were Paige's final strokes and kicks of life. As much as that hurts to say, and think about, Those were the last movements I felt. After Brad and I gave Paige back to the Nurses, they took her to give her a "bath" and family went in to see her. Brad and I were transferred back to our normal hospital room. Paige was then delivered to us in a bread basket. Weighing 2 pounds 4 ounces and measured 14 inches long. 1/2 of those inches were fingers and the other half were feet. She would have been a clutz... just like her mama.

About an hour after delivery a professional photographer came to the hospital to take photos. She volunteered her time as part of the organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep." This is a non-profit organization that finds photographers to come in and take infant remembrance photography. Below is the link to their Facebook Page... Please take a look, like their page, and support what they do for families like ours in times of desperate need.

https://www.facebook.com/nilmdts?fref=ts

(Photo by Vanessa Bartels Photography through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep) 

After pictures were taken, the funeral home was called. We had decided to skip the autopsy and let our Angel sleep in peace. The funeral home and pastor came at 1 PM to discuss funeral/memorial service decisions. And then came the temporary goodbyes. Although I knew I would see her again in a few days time... This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I tried to be so strong for Brad, but I just couldn't do it. Telling my baby girl that I was sorry for whatever I had done. Telling her I was happy she was in a better place than we were. Telling her goodbye for now, I'll see you again. Everything I told her broke my heart. When I handed her off to the funeral home guy, I knew I needed Brad. All I wanted was to hug the man who has always been there for me in times of need. Who's supported my every decision with trust and loyalty. Although he is my rock, I knew this was hard for him too, so we held each other and cried. Sending our baby off was the hardest thing we had ever done.

Monday night, New Years Eve, we had a few friends come over to the hospital. As tired as I was, I loved having our closest friends around to support us and to bring in the New Year with us. Although we hadn't imagined bringing in the New Year this way, it was nice to know that there were people supporting us and giving us hope in a future together. You don't realize how much people mean to you until they are there for you in desperate times and measures. Our family and friends were our rocks and our fortress through the past few weeks.

I was discharged from the hospital Tuesday AM , the 1st. Quite the way to bring in the year 2013. Tuesday afternoon Brad, myself, and our parent's met at the funeral home to finalize details. We also got to see the casket that was donated to us for Paige. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
Wednesday and Thursday were both spent finalizing plans, picking out photos for the memorial, and finishing up random ends and such. Friday morning at 9:45 the family was invited to a private funeral service. Baby Paige was a beautiful Angel dressed up in her gorgeous gown made from my wedding gown. Beautiful doesn't even explain it. Pictures don't even begin to show the beauty of my baby girl.

(Paige in her gown made from my wedding dress) 

Saying our final goodbyes were the hardest thing I hope we ever have to go through. Brad, once again, was a solid rock for me to lean on during one of the worst moments of my life. Although I know she's happy and healthy and in a better place than we are, it still hurt to say goodbye. 

(Paige's final kiss from mom, my final goodbyes to her) 

Friday at 11 AM we held a memorial service for our little girl. So much scripture and prayer was read and said I began to feel at peace with these events. I began to realize that this really was meant to be. A whole plan thrown together by the One above. Although Paige never breathed the air we breathe, she touched so many lives. A true blessing. One of my favorite quotes I have found so far related to stillbirths is "An Angel in the Book of Life wrote down my baby's birth, and as she closed the book she said "too beautiful for earth." My gorgeous Angel, may she forever rest in peace, was never meant to live the life we live. She has been blessed with eternal life, a better life than we could have ever given her. She is Happy. She is Safe. She is Healthy. Three of the most important things a parent wishes for their child(ren). 

So many prayers, so much support, and a ton of love was spilled to us these past few weeks. As a family, we want to say thank you to each and every one of you out there, even to those who will never read this blog. You have no clue how important it was for us to have that support and those prayers. We couldn't have done this alone. We are so thankful for the supportive family, the loving friends, and hundreds of others out there who have been here for us. Thank you from the depths of our hearts. We hope you were touched, just as we were, by this beautiful Angel named Paige Marie Punt. 

Thank you from the depths of our hearts,

Brad, Roslyn, and our angel, Paige