As I look back over my life, I've realized it's not as bad as I have always seen it to be. There is always someone out there who has it worse than us.
On Thursday last week Brad's truck broke down, yet again. I was so emotional about everything going on that I just felt like we were drowning in life. Hospital bills, funeral bills, post-natal check-up and pre-existing maternity bills, myself being without a paycheck for the time being, traveling back and forth from Ames and NW Iowa, Brad's great grandpa passing away, my school loans just around the corner, trying to find a job and new home, it just felt like everything was piling up higher and higher. Financial, spiritual, physical, emotional stress seem to be at maximum lately.
A recent text message from my father really uplifted some emotions for me....
"When it rains it pours. Jus remember .... no matter how bad we feel we have it... there are others that have been dealt worse things than what we have :(. Things get better it just takes patience and time :)" ... "You have ups too... graduating college... having good friends and family :s?? (Lol)...."
After re-reading through the conversation we had, I do realize my life isn't as bad as I thought it was. He's right. There are always people out there that have it worse than us. I know I have a God who cares for me, and hurts just as bad as I over losing Paige and my brother Breiton. What about those who don't know God? Without God I don't know what I would do. I'd be finding comfort somewhere else, I'm sure, and to me that doesn't sound promising or encouraging. At all.
With God I can continue, knowing that one day my baby girl will be returned to my arms. I can look forward to that day in the future. It may take 5 years, it may take another 70 years, who knows? God knows. God has her waiting patiently for me in a place without pain, suffering, sin. A perfect place for a my perfect angel. I know that practically all of my posts lately have been about God's plan and the path that he is paving for me. I'm sorry for being so repetitive, but right now it's what is getting me through the days and weeks.
Today I took a stroll through Wal-Mart picking up a few random stuff that we needed at the Bunk House and some groceries for supper. Of course, the baby section is right at the end of one of the grocery aisles and I caught a glimpse of a cute onezie. I walked over to take a look, not even double thinking about it, out of habit I guess. Then I realized that I had nothing to buy the cute stuff for. I choked back a few tears, fearful of what other shoppers would think when they saw a 22 year old bawling in the baby section. On my ride back to the farm from Atlantic, many thoughts raced across my mind. When would I be able to fill my empty arms with a child of my own? When would the hurt be taken away? I know Paige will never be replaced, and I don't ask that God would do that for us. I know Paige is here with us spiritually, watching over us, protecting us. Our Angel.
So for now, we're just waiting on the future. Brad and I know that God will call us to have another baby when He has it planned out, if it's in His plans. We know that we cannot "plan" baby #2 because God already has His plan laid out for us. We have decided to just go through the motions and follow God's will. Even with all the stress of everything piling on top, God planned it this way for a reason. Maybe it's to test the strength of our relationship. Maybe it's to makes us better people, stronger believers. Only God knows. I go through the days knowing that one day, Paige will be with me again. One day Brad and I will be able to hold a child of our own in our arms again. Whether it be soon or in the distant future. We will get there again.
<3 nbsp="" p="" roz="">
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Songs on Repeat...
1) The Voice of a Savior- Mandisa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdGiKqkx1Kg
Lyrics:
Some people try to listen, to the bottom of a bottle
Some people try to listen, to a needle in their arm
Some people try to listen, to the money in their pocket
Some people try to listen, to another’s arms
{Chorus}
You and I are not that different
We got a void and we’re just trying to fill it up
With something that will give just a little peace
All we want is a hand to reach to
Open arms that say I love you
We’d give anything to hear
The voice of a Savior
Some people try to find it with blind ambition
Some people try to find it where no one else has gone
Some people try to find it in the crowns of victory
Some people get defeated and lose the strength to carry on
{Chorus}
Some people try to find it in the shadow of a steeple
Some people try to find it in the back row pew
Some people try to find it in the arms of Jesus
That’s where I found it, how about you?
{Chorus}
2) Homesick - Mercy Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY
Lyrics:
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdGiKqkx1Kg
Lyrics:
Some people try to listen, to the bottom of a bottle
Some people try to listen, to a needle in their arm
Some people try to listen, to the money in their pocket
Some people try to listen, to another’s arms
{Chorus}
You and I are not that different
We got a void and we’re just trying to fill it up
With something that will give just a little peace
All we want is a hand to reach to
Open arms that say I love you
We’d give anything to hear
The voice of a Savior
Some people try to find it with blind ambition
Some people try to find it where no one else has gone
Some people try to find it in the crowns of victory
Some people get defeated and lose the strength to carry on
{Chorus}
Some people try to find it in the shadow of a steeple
Some people try to find it in the back row pew
Some people try to find it in the arms of Jesus
That’s where I found it, how about you?
{Chorus}
2) Homesick - Mercy Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY
Lyrics:
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
3) Blessings - Laura Story
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ
Lyrics:
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
Chorus:
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Chorus
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
Chorus:
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Chorus
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
"Come back in August!"
Friday morning Brad and I went to the Dr. for our 4 week check up.
When I arrived at the office at 8 AM I realized that there were a lot of people there this time... a majority of them were pregnant ladies, and two others even had babies who were crying.... ugh. Great.
When I went to the front desk to check in they pulled out my file and had me fill out the new paperwork. They are in the process of transferring from manual to computer record systems. What a mess. They were all running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to figure out what they were supposed to be doing. Well, 5 minutes after sitting down they pulled me into the back room to talk to me and informed me that my appointment wasn't actually that day, but I was scheduled for Tuesday at 2:30 PM. :s I told them no, it's today. ...
When I was in Denver I lost my planner which had the appointment written down on the right date... Well, I didn't have it saved in my phone so I had called the office Monday on our way home from Denver and they had informed me that my appointment was Friday at 8:00 AM. ... Confusion! Whatever.
Turns out the Dr. was on her way in for a procedure at 9:00 so I requested to stay until she arrived and they said she could fit me in before the procedure. The Dr. was perfectly alright with this.
The Dr. came in, asked the routine questions, checked a few things, and gave me a "clean bill of health." If that's what you want to call it. I was told I could resume all activities such as lifting weights, physical work (working out), etc. The Dr. declared that I didn't need to be seen again until August for a routine, yearly check up.
August... Brad and I felt like that was a long ways off. We have talked about baby #2... but we haven't decided yet that it is time. We have discussed it, but we both want to make sure that we are ready for that emotional rollercoaster. We know it's going to be so much different than the first time around. We just kind of shrugged our shoulders and decided that whatever happens, happens. Whenever it happens, it will happen. God has everything planned out and it will unfold as the days go by. So, maybe we will be back in that office before August, maybe not. We will just wait and see!
When I arrived at the office at 8 AM I realized that there were a lot of people there this time... a majority of them were pregnant ladies, and two others even had babies who were crying.... ugh. Great.
When I went to the front desk to check in they pulled out my file and had me fill out the new paperwork. They are in the process of transferring from manual to computer record systems. What a mess. They were all running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to figure out what they were supposed to be doing. Well, 5 minutes after sitting down they pulled me into the back room to talk to me and informed me that my appointment wasn't actually that day, but I was scheduled for Tuesday at 2:30 PM. :s I told them no, it's today. ...
When I was in Denver I lost my planner which had the appointment written down on the right date... Well, I didn't have it saved in my phone so I had called the office Monday on our way home from Denver and they had informed me that my appointment was Friday at 8:00 AM. ... Confusion! Whatever.
Turns out the Dr. was on her way in for a procedure at 9:00 so I requested to stay until she arrived and they said she could fit me in before the procedure. The Dr. was perfectly alright with this.
The Dr. came in, asked the routine questions, checked a few things, and gave me a "clean bill of health." If that's what you want to call it. I was told I could resume all activities such as lifting weights, physical work (working out), etc. The Dr. declared that I didn't need to be seen again until August for a routine, yearly check up.
August... Brad and I felt like that was a long ways off. We have talked about baby #2... but we haven't decided yet that it is time. We have discussed it, but we both want to make sure that we are ready for that emotional rollercoaster. We know it's going to be so much different than the first time around. We just kind of shrugged our shoulders and decided that whatever happens, happens. Whenever it happens, it will happen. God has everything planned out and it will unfold as the days go by. So, maybe we will be back in that office before August, maybe not. We will just wait and see!
4 Weeks and Counting...
So, this post was supposed to be published yesterday, but my internet
wasn’t connecting due to bad weather. So here it is, a day late!
Today marked 4 weeks since our little Paige was born. I cannot believe
how fast time has flown by, but drags on at the same time. I am blessed to be
able to keep my mind busy and attempt to not ponder all day every day. There
are good days and there are bad days, like I have mentioned before. Today was a
good day. Tonight, not so much, but after some thinking, it all makes sense
once again.
Brad and I attended the Trausch Farms’s futurity “In It To Win It” show
this past weekend. This is an annual show that they put on for anyone who has
bought a calf from Trausch Farms and consigned sale cattle, in summary. This
was a really great show and it was a lot of fun to catch up with good friends
and meet even more people. Being more involved in Brad’s work and what he does
has really opened me up to being introduced to the people that he does business
with and works with throughout the country.
Brad has been sick since Denver, and brought it home with him… The
entire crew woke up yesterday morning feeling like they got hit by a truck,
including me. Last night I got barely any sleep between myself feeling like
donkey butt, and 3 full grown men, in the same room, snoring and coughing all
through the night. Today Brad and I went into the Dr. and he prescribed some
meds. The pressure in my sinus’ is so high that my ears are even plugged and I
have a hard time hearing… Z-Pak… you BETTER work!
I then made the trek to Ames to drop off one of the guys who helped at
the show this weekend and to grab some more necessities that I had forgotten
there last week (like half of my clothes!). I spent a majority of the afternoon
doing 4 loads of laundry at the house instead of doing it in Anita at the
Laundromat (Ames = Free, Anita = $5 a load…..). An afternoon at a house without
cable, internet, OR DVD’s is pretty boring!
On my way back to Anita, of course I was bored, and just HAD to check
my Facebook. I realized that our friends Mike and Tiffany had gotten pictures
taken of little Allison and the photographer had posted them online. Being
curious, I checked them out. They are absolutely ADORABLE! I cannot believe the
cuteness that little Alli exhibits at all times. Alli in her little lion hat,
and then the sock monkey picture! What is there NOT to love about that little
girl?!?! That’s when I realized that I will never be able to have pictures like
that of Paige. And then the waterworks came.
It’s hard for me to “realize” stuff. I knew that this was one of the
things that would become something I would have to deal with. I knew from the
beginning that I would never be able to be a “normal” mother who got to do
everything with her new baby girl such as newborn, 6 month, 1 year, family,
etc. pictures. I knew I would never get to dress her up in the adorable little
outfits that we, and others, had bought for Paige as gifts. As much as I “knew”
that these were all results of our situation, it is still hard for me to
realize that it’s real. It’s not just a dream. As much as I wish it was a
dream, it is reality.
Reality.
As much as I dislike reality currently, I know it’s necessary. As
insane as reality can get, it’s insane for a reason. As my life seems to keep
falling apart, I know it’s not as long as I put it all in God’s hands. As much
as it hurts to realize that I cannot do anything to change my future or the
path that I am going down, I know that God has it all planned out for me and he
has paved my road before the wheels are even assembled onto my car.
Proverbs 16:9 NIV
“In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his
steps.”
…. THE LORD DETERMINES HIS STEPS.
The Bible tells us flat out how it is. No confusion. We can try and
plan our own course, we can dream of the future and hope for what we want and
how we want our lives to go, but God already has it written down. He already
decided where our lives are to go and what is to happen. I find comfort in
knowing that God has my life in his hands. I can trust in Him to guide me down
the path that I need to follow no matter where my life ends up going.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Home Alone...
I tell you what...
Being home alone sucks. I was home alone for the first time in what seems like forever last night. I am home alone yet again tonight... and no, the dog's don't count! Even with the dogs being home, it still sucks being here all by myself.
Tonight especially. I've realized that my life is moving on. Maybe it's moving on to bigger and better things than school, undergrad jobs, and trailer/city living. I don't really know where my life is going in the near or distant future. I just know it's moving past the "Ames" stage. I am excited but not at the same time. Excited to start a career in something that I love doing, working with animals. But at the same time... it's a lot of work to FIND that career.... Excited to start a new chapter in our lives together... but not excited to move past the recent events and embrace the future. Not that we are trying to forget everything that has happened! That will never happen! But just accepting it and moving on to the next steps in life...
As much as I am SO ready to be moved out of this house... I'm gunna miss it too! I mean, comeon! It was Brad and I's first house that we bought together. Home sweet Trailer. Even with the constant overflowing toilet tank, the frozen pipes, the hole in the floor, mice, huge heating bills... This has become "home." This was the place where we were supposed to bring Paige home to....
Which leads me to the "baby room"/ "office." I don't know what to call it anymore. It WAS the office before I took the desk and all of my school stuff out of there and started painting it. Now it's half painted yellow with brown paw prints and half light green and yellow. I can't figure out what I want to do with that room once we get all our junk moved out of this house.... Do I want to take the effort to paint it back to yellow with paw prints? Or do I want to go through the emotions of painting the rest of it green and yellow... the colors that were meant to be for Paige... I wish this simple decision wasn't so hard to make.
It seems so ironic to me that 2 days before we found out Paige had passed away I had started painting the room. My inpatients, yet again, got the best of me and I just COULDN'T wait to start the baby room. Why couldn't I have just waited until AFTER we had gotten back from our trip home for the New Year? Ironic. I really need to work on my patience. Stop. Breathe. Collect myself. Move on. Simple steps to not get all worked up about little things and to just remain calm and not freak out about something stupid. If only I had waited to started painting it would have been so much less pain to come home. There wouldn't be a "baby room"... just and empty office. It would have been a lot easier to come home and move the desk and stuff back into that room instead of having to re-paint and re-purpose that room.
Anywho. Like I said. Being home alone sucks. I can't wait for Brad and I to get a place down in the area that we are both working/looking for jobs in. It will be nice to have him home every night! He is coming home to Ames tonight, but it will be late. He has been working a lot of days lately and the hours stretch on and on. He is in need of a vacation! ... Even though Denver is sort of a vacation... he worked his tail off all week. We are hopefully taking a vacation together this summer. I really want the two of us to just "get away" for a while and have some "us" time. It seems like everywhere we go there is always someone we know that is there too. ... Doesn't help that Brad knows half of the country!!
It is nice to have him home alone with me. I feel more secure and happy when he is around. When I am alone I just feel like I'm falling apart into little pieces that will never be "repuzzled" back together in the correct order. Like I'll never return to being "me." When he's home or near me I at least feel like he keeps me sane and grounded. Like I'm not going to just float away and disappear. It's mainly when I am completely alone. The dog's these past couple of nights have been keeping me sane. :) ... they sure know how to be cuddlers! I just love it.... They cuddle so much its nearly annoying! But... they are mama's girls!
<3 nbsp="" p="" roz="">
Being home alone sucks. I was home alone for the first time in what seems like forever last night. I am home alone yet again tonight... and no, the dog's don't count! Even with the dogs being home, it still sucks being here all by myself.
Tonight especially. I've realized that my life is moving on. Maybe it's moving on to bigger and better things than school, undergrad jobs, and trailer/city living. I don't really know where my life is going in the near or distant future. I just know it's moving past the "Ames" stage. I am excited but not at the same time. Excited to start a career in something that I love doing, working with animals. But at the same time... it's a lot of work to FIND that career.... Excited to start a new chapter in our lives together... but not excited to move past the recent events and embrace the future. Not that we are trying to forget everything that has happened! That will never happen! But just accepting it and moving on to the next steps in life...
As much as I am SO ready to be moved out of this house... I'm gunna miss it too! I mean, comeon! It was Brad and I's first house that we bought together. Home sweet Trailer. Even with the constant overflowing toilet tank, the frozen pipes, the hole in the floor, mice, huge heating bills... This has become "home." This was the place where we were supposed to bring Paige home to....
Which leads me to the "baby room"/ "office." I don't know what to call it anymore. It WAS the office before I took the desk and all of my school stuff out of there and started painting it. Now it's half painted yellow with brown paw prints and half light green and yellow. I can't figure out what I want to do with that room once we get all our junk moved out of this house.... Do I want to take the effort to paint it back to yellow with paw prints? Or do I want to go through the emotions of painting the rest of it green and yellow... the colors that were meant to be for Paige... I wish this simple decision wasn't so hard to make.
It seems so ironic to me that 2 days before we found out Paige had passed away I had started painting the room. My inpatients, yet again, got the best of me and I just COULDN'T wait to start the baby room. Why couldn't I have just waited until AFTER we had gotten back from our trip home for the New Year? Ironic. I really need to work on my patience. Stop. Breathe. Collect myself. Move on. Simple steps to not get all worked up about little things and to just remain calm and not freak out about something stupid. If only I had waited to started painting it would have been so much less pain to come home. There wouldn't be a "baby room"... just and empty office. It would have been a lot easier to come home and move the desk and stuff back into that room instead of having to re-paint and re-purpose that room.
Anywho. Like I said. Being home alone sucks. I can't wait for Brad and I to get a place down in the area that we are both working/looking for jobs in. It will be nice to have him home every night! He is coming home to Ames tonight, but it will be late. He has been working a lot of days lately and the hours stretch on and on. He is in need of a vacation! ... Even though Denver is sort of a vacation... he worked his tail off all week. We are hopefully taking a vacation together this summer. I really want the two of us to just "get away" for a while and have some "us" time. It seems like everywhere we go there is always someone we know that is there too. ... Doesn't help that Brad knows half of the country!!
It is nice to have him home alone with me. I feel more secure and happy when he is around. When I am alone I just feel like I'm falling apart into little pieces that will never be "repuzzled" back together in the correct order. Like I'll never return to being "me." When he's home or near me I at least feel like he keeps me sane and grounded. Like I'm not going to just float away and disappear. It's mainly when I am completely alone. The dog's these past couple of nights have been keeping me sane. :) ... they sure know how to be cuddlers! I just love it.... They cuddle so much its nearly annoying! But... they are mama's girls!
<3 nbsp="" p="" roz="">
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Miss Allison Jolene
Well... I made the trip to Northwest Iowa yesterday to go visit some friends after having their baby on Monday. ... I preceded to waste the day away with my father, attempting to ignore the emotions that were pulling me towards the hospital, yet making me want to run back to Anita.
Last night I sucked up the nervousness and went to see Mike and Tiff in the hospital so I could meet little miss Allison for the first time.
... and the emotions came.
Sure. I was nervous walking into that hospital room alone. I didn't know what to expect from myself. When I'm alone I get all choked up thinking about little Allison and the life that she gets to experience with her parents, and the life her parents get to experience with her. I get jealous of Mike and Tiff, their parents, their siblings, etc. I get jealous about what they get to experience, the love they get to pour out to that little bundle of joy, and jealous of many other things. My mind starts to race about everything, so many thoughts going through my head at once. Everything leads into me getting angry. Angry with myself for allowing this to happen (even though I KNOW it's NOT my fault....). Angry at God for having this be a part of his plan for us. Angry that I don't get to experience that joy and excitement of being the mother of a growing child. My mind asks question after question even though I have accepted that this happened for a reason. Spiritually I've accepted the events and am working on growing stronger, healing my heart. Mentally I can't get around the question "Why?" Mentally I can't figure out how to accept this.
When I walked into that room I mostly expected to feel an overwhelming feeling of jealousy and sadness. Instead I was surprised to feel excitement and joy. I was joyful that Mike and Tiff got to welcome their little bundle of pink. I was excited that they get to experience that "motherly"/"fatherly" love for the first time. Even though I was slightly jealous, I was overwhelmed with an "aunts" love for the little tyke. She is adorable. She's content. She's precious. And... she's going to be spoiled!
When I left the hospital, yet again I experienced some jealousy. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away. It will get better, I'm sure, but there will always be that thought of "I Wish..." At the same time I walked out excited to go back again to see her. As much as I know it will hurt for years down the road, I'm excited to watch this little tyke grow up, scuff her knees after tripping over her own feet while learning to walk. Teaching her funny words and listening to her learn to talk. I can't wait to experience that. I feel like I'll be vicariously living through Mike and Tiff to learn what it's like to be the parent of a sleeping, crying, pooping baby.
I visited them again today before they were discharged from the hospital. Oh how I wish I could have watched Tink, their obnoxious (but loving) corgi/beagle dog welcome little Allison home. I can't wait to see the interaction between that little girl and her new best friend. I can't wait to go back home to see her. I'm sure she will grow like a weed, and living away from home will make it harder to see her often enough that she won't seem to be growing quite so quickly.
Like I said earlier. Spiritually I have accepted that this was a part of God's plan. God wrote my letter, He wrote my life, He wrote His plan for me. Whether God plans for us to bring a Baby Punt #2 into this world or if God has decided that Paige was enough, I have hope in the future that God will provide the necessities for our happiness and our survival. I've tried planning out my life before, obviously it didn't go as I had planned. I have learned to leave everything in God's hands, even if it is not what we want, how we want it, God has it all under control. Right now I'm just trying to focus on healing. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It's been a rough road, and I'm ready to just let God do his work and be along for the ride. I'm ready for God to transform my heart into the new person that this experience is going to make me become. I'm ready to forgive God for putting me through this hurt because I know his hurt for me and everyone else is more overwhelming that my own hurt.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Last night I sucked up the nervousness and went to see Mike and Tiff in the hospital so I could meet little miss Allison for the first time.
... and the emotions came.
Sure. I was nervous walking into that hospital room alone. I didn't know what to expect from myself. When I'm alone I get all choked up thinking about little Allison and the life that she gets to experience with her parents, and the life her parents get to experience with her. I get jealous of Mike and Tiff, their parents, their siblings, etc. I get jealous about what they get to experience, the love they get to pour out to that little bundle of joy, and jealous of many other things. My mind starts to race about everything, so many thoughts going through my head at once. Everything leads into me getting angry. Angry with myself for allowing this to happen (even though I KNOW it's NOT my fault....). Angry at God for having this be a part of his plan for us. Angry that I don't get to experience that joy and excitement of being the mother of a growing child. My mind asks question after question even though I have accepted that this happened for a reason. Spiritually I've accepted the events and am working on growing stronger, healing my heart. Mentally I can't get around the question "Why?" Mentally I can't figure out how to accept this.
When I walked into that room I mostly expected to feel an overwhelming feeling of jealousy and sadness. Instead I was surprised to feel excitement and joy. I was joyful that Mike and Tiff got to welcome their little bundle of pink. I was excited that they get to experience that "motherly"/"fatherly" love for the first time. Even though I was slightly jealous, I was overwhelmed with an "aunts" love for the little tyke. She is adorable. She's content. She's precious. And... she's going to be spoiled!
When I left the hospital, yet again I experienced some jealousy. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away. It will get better, I'm sure, but there will always be that thought of "I Wish..." At the same time I walked out excited to go back again to see her. As much as I know it will hurt for years down the road, I'm excited to watch this little tyke grow up, scuff her knees after tripping over her own feet while learning to walk. Teaching her funny words and listening to her learn to talk. I can't wait to experience that. I feel like I'll be vicariously living through Mike and Tiff to learn what it's like to be the parent of a sleeping, crying, pooping baby.
I visited them again today before they were discharged from the hospital. Oh how I wish I could have watched Tink, their obnoxious (but loving) corgi/beagle dog welcome little Allison home. I can't wait to see the interaction between that little girl and her new best friend. I can't wait to go back home to see her. I'm sure she will grow like a weed, and living away from home will make it harder to see her often enough that she won't seem to be growing quite so quickly.
Like I said earlier. Spiritually I have accepted that this was a part of God's plan. God wrote my letter, He wrote my life, He wrote His plan for me. Whether God plans for us to bring a Baby Punt #2 into this world or if God has decided that Paige was enough, I have hope in the future that God will provide the necessities for our happiness and our survival. I've tried planning out my life before, obviously it didn't go as I had planned. I have learned to leave everything in God's hands, even if it is not what we want, how we want it, God has it all under control. Right now I'm just trying to focus on healing. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It's been a rough road, and I'm ready to just let God do his work and be along for the ride. I'm ready for God to transform my heart into the new person that this experience is going to make me become. I'm ready to forgive God for putting me through this hurt because I know his hurt for me and everyone else is more overwhelming that my own hurt.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Monday, January 21, 2013
Emotions and Feelings.
Whewfta...
I'm officially back at "home." Laying in my own, little, twin size bed at the bunk house here in a "Whale of a Town", Anita, IA. After nearly 12 hours on the road (with pit stops for lunch, supper, and a fuel refill), we are home. Or... at least back at home away from home....
A lot of time on the road gave me a lot of thinking time. I'm not much of a radio listener, or a talker on the road... but I'm a major thinker. Today was another rough day for me, as is to be expected. I'm not going to say I'm getting "used" to rough days, but I am starting to become immune to the effects of them.
To start the day out, I received a text at midnight last night saying that one of our close friends went to the hospital last night and was admitted to Labor and Delivery. I knew this was coming. I was prepared for that certain text. Either way I knew that she was going to deliver this week because she was set to be induced on Thursday. I told myself I was prepared to cross this bridge. I knew it is inevitable. ... Little did I know that at 4 AM I would be wide awake worrying about how I would react to her delivery. When I awoke at 7 AM I was reminded by maternal instincts that today was 3 weeks since we delivered Paige. She would have been three weeks old today had she been born alive, or possibly even still "cooking" within me.
At 10 AM (Mountain Time.. so 11 AM Central Time), I received a call from Tiffany saying that Allison Jolene Van Roekel was welcomed into this world with a healthy set of lungs and a head full of brown hair. Weighing in at 7 lbs and 9 oz, measuring 20 inches long. My initial reaction was joy and excitement on becoming an .... "adopted".... aunt. But after getting off the phone with Tiffany I realized I wasn't that excited anymore. Instead I felt jealousy and pain as I realized that they got to experience everything in this journey in a joyful way, while Brad and I had to suffer through it.
Jealousy. How do you overcome that overwhelming feeling that just takes reigns over your being? How do you break those bonds that tie you to those feelings? I'm not really sure. I know we have a long journey ahead. Much more pain and suffering is in the future. I haven't even met little miss Allison, but I know she will steal my heart. Even though I am jealous of Mike and Tiff for having their dream come true while ours was taken away. Jealous that they get to spend sleepless nights and tireless days watching their baby girl grow, fuss, coo, and learn. Jealous that their parents and siblings get to experience that joy and excitement of being grandparents and aunts and uncles. So many different things that I am jealous of. So many things I DON'T want to feel, let alone admit...
I won't lie. I am very excited to go visit them in the hospital tomorrow. I just don't know how I'm supposed to react. Do I cry? Do I hide my jealousy? Do I admit to them that this is hard for me, but I need to accept it? How do you react to a situation like this? So many questions, and no one to answer them for me. How am I supposed to react? Will I feel hurt? confused? mad? jealous? excited? anxious? hopeful? I don't know. I wish someone could answer my questions for me instead of me having to experience this. I expect to feel pain in knowing that I will never get to raise Paige like they get to experience with Allison. I expect to feel jealous for everything they get to experience. I just don't know what to expect from myself.
I welcome tomorrow with open arms, finding comfort in the fact that .... "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13.
I'm officially back at "home." Laying in my own, little, twin size bed at the bunk house here in a "Whale of a Town", Anita, IA. After nearly 12 hours on the road (with pit stops for lunch, supper, and a fuel refill), we are home. Or... at least back at home away from home....
A lot of time on the road gave me a lot of thinking time. I'm not much of a radio listener, or a talker on the road... but I'm a major thinker. Today was another rough day for me, as is to be expected. I'm not going to say I'm getting "used" to rough days, but I am starting to become immune to the effects of them.
To start the day out, I received a text at midnight last night saying that one of our close friends went to the hospital last night and was admitted to Labor and Delivery. I knew this was coming. I was prepared for that certain text. Either way I knew that she was going to deliver this week because she was set to be induced on Thursday. I told myself I was prepared to cross this bridge. I knew it is inevitable. ... Little did I know that at 4 AM I would be wide awake worrying about how I would react to her delivery. When I awoke at 7 AM I was reminded by maternal instincts that today was 3 weeks since we delivered Paige. She would have been three weeks old today had she been born alive, or possibly even still "cooking" within me.
At 10 AM (Mountain Time.. so 11 AM Central Time), I received a call from Tiffany saying that Allison Jolene Van Roekel was welcomed into this world with a healthy set of lungs and a head full of brown hair. Weighing in at 7 lbs and 9 oz, measuring 20 inches long. My initial reaction was joy and excitement on becoming an .... "adopted".... aunt. But after getting off the phone with Tiffany I realized I wasn't that excited anymore. Instead I felt jealousy and pain as I realized that they got to experience everything in this journey in a joyful way, while Brad and I had to suffer through it.
Jealousy. How do you overcome that overwhelming feeling that just takes reigns over your being? How do you break those bonds that tie you to those feelings? I'm not really sure. I know we have a long journey ahead. Much more pain and suffering is in the future. I haven't even met little miss Allison, but I know she will steal my heart. Even though I am jealous of Mike and Tiff for having their dream come true while ours was taken away. Jealous that they get to spend sleepless nights and tireless days watching their baby girl grow, fuss, coo, and learn. Jealous that their parents and siblings get to experience that joy and excitement of being grandparents and aunts and uncles. So many different things that I am jealous of. So many things I DON'T want to feel, let alone admit...
I won't lie. I am very excited to go visit them in the hospital tomorrow. I just don't know how I'm supposed to react. Do I cry? Do I hide my jealousy? Do I admit to them that this is hard for me, but I need to accept it? How do you react to a situation like this? So many questions, and no one to answer them for me. How am I supposed to react? Will I feel hurt? confused? mad? jealous? excited? anxious? hopeful? I don't know. I wish someone could answer my questions for me instead of me having to experience this. I expect to feel pain in knowing that I will never get to raise Paige like they get to experience with Allison. I expect to feel jealous for everything they get to experience. I just don't know what to expect from myself.
I welcome tomorrow with open arms, finding comfort in the fact that .... "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Not Understanding...
Everyone has something that happens within their lives.. and they don't understand why it happens. Whether it was something good or bad that happened... it still happened. Maybe you strive for success, either for a short time period or a long time. Maybe you fail over and over and just can't get over the hump of failure. Some people don't understand right at first, some people don't understand for years, or even the rest of their lives.
Most of you know the recent events in my life. A huge hump that I am still struggling to climb over and to understand. I know things like this take time, but right now I just want to understand. As much as I "understand" that in time I will truly understand, I really just want to know "why?" right now.
One thing that has become more noticeable to me is the daily population of babies that are present. I never really paid special attention to babies, children, or even pregnant ladies before I was pregnant. While I was pregnant I paid more and more attention as the weeks passed by and I was becoming more and more excited to welcome Paige into our lives. I would poke Brad and say "Aaaww... look how cute he/she is!" or "Look at that adorable outfit he/she has on." The other night while we were sitting at dinner, there was a baby crying nearby in the restaurant. It didn't bug me that the baby was crying. I mean, come-on.. it's a baby. It's bound to cry once in a while... What bugged me was the fact that the mother was paying absolutely no attention to her baby. She was too busy enjoying happy hour and socializing that she just left the baby in it's car seat and let it cry. This pissed me off. Instantly. I wanted to walk over there and pick her baby up for her and ask her for a bottle... but I knew that would be downright rude. At the same time I was pissed off because I would do anything to have a baby that I could care for. I understand she was maybe annoyed of "motherhood" as a baby is a lot to deal with... but at the same time there are people who would "kill" (not literally...) to be in her shoes.
This is that part where the "Why?" comes back into my life. I just want to know why God would put me through this. Losing Paige at such a young age has, so far, seemed easier than losing my brother at the age of 4 1/2. Key word.. "Seemed." I'm not really sure how it will seem later on down the road, but so far it's seemed to be easier. Paige never breathed the air we breathe. She wasn't present on this earth as her "own being", but as a part of me. Yes, she was her own person, but we never got to experience WHO she was our would be. I think this made it easier than losing someone we have know for all of their lives, such as Breiton, my brother. Paige was a daily part of my life, yes, but I feel like it is different. I think that this would be so much harder had Paige been born alive and lived only a short time, or even any length of time, and then we had lost her. I comfort myself in knowing that she was born as a perfect angel. She never had to experience the hurt and sins of the earth. The pain that people live through each and every day. She never had to experience disappointment or pain or heart break. It makes me feel so much better to understand this much. Even though I don't understand "Why?", I understand that she is much happier where she is. As much as I wish she was here with us today, I know she is happy now. Even though I know it is going to be a rough road pursuing another pregnancy and watching two of our other friend's soon to be expected baby girl's grow up, I know it was all intended to happen this way.
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5
Maybe someday I will understand the work of God and why this happened, maybe I will never understand. Who knows? All I need to understand right now is that God has a plan for everything. He had a special reason to call Paige to him before we ever got to meet her.
Roz
Most of you know the recent events in my life. A huge hump that I am still struggling to climb over and to understand. I know things like this take time, but right now I just want to understand. As much as I "understand" that in time I will truly understand, I really just want to know "why?" right now.
One thing that has become more noticeable to me is the daily population of babies that are present. I never really paid special attention to babies, children, or even pregnant ladies before I was pregnant. While I was pregnant I paid more and more attention as the weeks passed by and I was becoming more and more excited to welcome Paige into our lives. I would poke Brad and say "Aaaww... look how cute he/she is!" or "Look at that adorable outfit he/she has on." The other night while we were sitting at dinner, there was a baby crying nearby in the restaurant. It didn't bug me that the baby was crying. I mean, come-on.. it's a baby. It's bound to cry once in a while... What bugged me was the fact that the mother was paying absolutely no attention to her baby. She was too busy enjoying happy hour and socializing that she just left the baby in it's car seat and let it cry. This pissed me off. Instantly. I wanted to walk over there and pick her baby up for her and ask her for a bottle... but I knew that would be downright rude. At the same time I was pissed off because I would do anything to have a baby that I could care for. I understand she was maybe annoyed of "motherhood" as a baby is a lot to deal with... but at the same time there are people who would "kill" (not literally...) to be in her shoes.
This is that part where the "Why?" comes back into my life. I just want to know why God would put me through this. Losing Paige at such a young age has, so far, seemed easier than losing my brother at the age of 4 1/2. Key word.. "Seemed." I'm not really sure how it will seem later on down the road, but so far it's seemed to be easier. Paige never breathed the air we breathe. She wasn't present on this earth as her "own being", but as a part of me. Yes, she was her own person, but we never got to experience WHO she was our would be. I think this made it easier than losing someone we have know for all of their lives, such as Breiton, my brother. Paige was a daily part of my life, yes, but I feel like it is different. I think that this would be so much harder had Paige been born alive and lived only a short time, or even any length of time, and then we had lost her. I comfort myself in knowing that she was born as a perfect angel. She never had to experience the hurt and sins of the earth. The pain that people live through each and every day. She never had to experience disappointment or pain or heart break. It makes me feel so much better to understand this much. Even though I don't understand "Why?", I understand that she is much happier where she is. As much as I wish she was here with us today, I know she is happy now. Even though I know it is going to be a rough road pursuing another pregnancy and watching two of our other friend's soon to be expected baby girl's grow up, I know it was all intended to happen this way.
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5
Maybe someday I will understand the work of God and why this happened, maybe I will never understand. Who knows? All I need to understand right now is that God has a plan for everything. He had a special reason to call Paige to him before we ever got to meet her.
Roz
Friday, January 18, 2013
Denver, CO 2013
Whewfta.
Denver.
It's been a rough few days.... T-shirts, sunny, friends, good times.
Ugh. Brad knows everyone I've decided. Everywhere we go there is someone who stops to talk to him or he stops to talk to them. You can't get anywhere without having to stop and say hi. :) My man is popular!
So far Denver has been very fun. The weather has been gorgeous and the Mountains shine in the sun. My camera isn't working right now because I FORGOT my good memory card at home... :( So I'm stuck with phone pictures for this trip! But, We've been having a blast. The Bulls are looking great this year and the weather couldn't be any better. Today it was in the high 50's. :) I'm starting to know a few more faces around the yards and making a few more friends here and there. It's been an overall successful week so far. We're here till Monday so there is still more fun to be had by us all!
Brad and I are staying in a hotel with Brads co-workers. We are rooming with one of his crew members and his wife and a friend of ours. They are all pretty cool and are a lot of fun to hang around with. It has been an entertaining week, to say the least! :)
Denver.
It's been a rough few days.... T-shirts, sunny, friends, good times.
Ugh. Brad knows everyone I've decided. Everywhere we go there is someone who stops to talk to him or he stops to talk to them. You can't get anywhere without having to stop and say hi. :) My man is popular!
So far Denver has been very fun. The weather has been gorgeous and the Mountains shine in the sun. My camera isn't working right now because I FORGOT my good memory card at home... :( So I'm stuck with phone pictures for this trip! But, We've been having a blast. The Bulls are looking great this year and the weather couldn't be any better. Today it was in the high 50's. :) I'm starting to know a few more faces around the yards and making a few more friends here and there. It's been an overall successful week so far. We're here till Monday so there is still more fun to be had by us all!
Brad and I are staying in a hotel with Brads co-workers. We are rooming with one of his crew members and his wife and a friend of ours. They are all pretty cool and are a lot of fun to hang around with. It has been an entertaining week, to say the least! :)
Tuesday night and Thursday night we went to Grizzly Rose. It's a country bar here in Denver. Last night the Josh Abbott band was playing so we went to see him. We all had a pretty swell time!
Tonight we just kind-of chilled at the stalls and hung out while we were finishing up the day.
The bulls are looking good! :) This one was getting his hair clipped so I snapped a quick picture of his sweaty nose! :)
Me, Kate, and Amy all before going out to Grizzly Rose together for "girls night" on Tuesday night! :)
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Denver or Bust...
Brad and I came down to Anita early this morning. He had 8 head to clip today before we leave for Denver, CO tomorrow. This year Brad and his crew are taking out 4 display bulls, 3 Angus heifers, and fat steer. They all are getting clipped today. Brad has a lot to do before we leave tomorrow!
I'm excited to be going to the National Western Stock Show again this year. I haven't been out to Denver since the 2010 show due to being in school at ISU. I never wanted to miss the entire first week of the spring classes... Brad and I are excited to have some "vacation" time together. Even though he will be busy a majority of the time, it will still be nice to sleep together and just be around each other for the whole week.
I'm also excited to go to Denver because we have so many good cattle friends that will be out there also. We are riding out there with Brad's work crew and their other halves, which will be quite the entertainment. :) I'm looking forward to just getting away for a whole week before I start working and house hunting, and doing 300 other things such as moving. I also look forward to seeing many other cattle people and conversing and getting away from reality. Reality has hit hard the past few days. Especially yesterday.
Today marks 2 weeks since we found out that Baby Paige had passed away. Yesterday was just an overall hard day for me as I worked my last day at the meat research lab, which has been "home away from home" for the last two years for me. I was sad to clean out my desk and leave. Many memories were maid and had in the lab with my co-workers and elders. Yesterday was also hard for me because it was the 2 week marker since my last pre-natal visit. I heard Baby Paige's heart that morning, and I had a sad feeling all day knowing that I would never hear that sound again. It was good to have Brad home again last night though. He was my rock at the end of a rough day. It's nice to have him to lean on in times of need and weakness.
Denver will be a good "away" for me. I know I will never get rid of the sadness that currently overwhelms me, but at least I know that she is safe and sound. I can live on knowing I will see her again one day and tel lher in person just how much I do love her. <3>
I'm excited to be going to the National Western Stock Show again this year. I haven't been out to Denver since the 2010 show due to being in school at ISU. I never wanted to miss the entire first week of the spring classes... Brad and I are excited to have some "vacation" time together. Even though he will be busy a majority of the time, it will still be nice to sleep together and just be around each other for the whole week.
I'm also excited to go to Denver because we have so many good cattle friends that will be out there also. We are riding out there with Brad's work crew and their other halves, which will be quite the entertainment. :) I'm looking forward to just getting away for a whole week before I start working and house hunting, and doing 300 other things such as moving. I also look forward to seeing many other cattle people and conversing and getting away from reality. Reality has hit hard the past few days. Especially yesterday.
Today marks 2 weeks since we found out that Baby Paige had passed away. Yesterday was just an overall hard day for me as I worked my last day at the meat research lab, which has been "home away from home" for the last two years for me. I was sad to clean out my desk and leave. Many memories were maid and had in the lab with my co-workers and elders. Yesterday was also hard for me because it was the 2 week marker since my last pre-natal visit. I heard Baby Paige's heart that morning, and I had a sad feeling all day knowing that I would never hear that sound again. It was good to have Brad home again last night though. He was my rock at the end of a rough day. It's nice to have him to lean on in times of need and weakness.
Denver will be a good "away" for me. I know I will never get rid of the sadness that currently overwhelms me, but at least I know that she is safe and sound. I can live on knowing I will see her again one day and tel lher in person just how much I do love her. <3>
Friday, January 11, 2013
(What was supposed to be...) 29 Weeks and Happy New Year!
Alright everybody. This was supposed to be our 29 Week blog. Due to the events that occurred shortly before Tuesday, the 1st of January, 2013, this blog was never posted. I saw it here, sitting in my drafts, and thought I better not let this writing go to waste! Reading over it just makes me want to have that excitement back again. It shows me just how happy and ecstatic I was to become a mother soon. I hope you enjoy it, even though it is in a different context than it should be, here is our 29th week blog! Enjoy.
Last Friday (the 28th) we had our 28 week check up.... All is good!
Last Friday (the 28th) we had our 28 week check up.... All is good!
I had my Glucose Tolerance Test on Friday... I passed (by 1!). In order to pass your glucose exam you have to score at a blood sugar of 124 or below... I cut the cake at 123! :) But, I passed. So... No Pregnancy Diabetes for me! I got up in the middle of the night to feed myself, because I wasn't allowed to eat within 3 hours of the test, and my appointment was at 8AM. I had to drink the glucose test juice, which made me sick... Whichever nurse told me that this stuff tasted like cool-aid ought to be kicked in the teeth. I seriously had to gag it down it was so dreadful. Not only that, but it was so sugary that it made me want to throw up and left this disgusting feeling inside me my entire way to the doctor.
Baby Punt's heart beat was running at 143, again. It's been this same pace for the last three visits now. Our next Dr's appointment is in 2 weeks for a 30 week check up and another ultrasound! I cannot wait to see the sea-monster again! 10 weeks between ultrasounds just is too long for me!
Baby Punt's heart beat was running at 143, again. It's been this same pace for the last three visits now. Our next Dr's appointment is in 2 weeks for a 30 week check up and another ultrasound! I cannot wait to see the sea-monster again! 10 weeks between ultrasounds just is too long for me!
Anywho.
I visited the Chiropractor yesterday for my back issues that I have been having... and I'm now in HEAVEN. Dr. Winecoff in Ames did a wonderful job of re-aligning me and releasing the tension in my shoulders. He didn't do anything to help my hip yet, he was so horrified at how out of alignment my back was that he didn't want to do any more work on me yesterday. I will be making weekly visits for the next few weeks, and then will continue to see him until the little one is born. According to my doctor, the hip issues that I have been having are my sciatic nerve on the right hip. I fell last week on the ice, and that must have triggered the onset of pain. She recommended me to keep seeing the Chiro as he will be able to relieve some of this pain. The bad news... she believes that it will get worse as the baby gets bigger and bigger, adding more pressure to this nerve in my hip.
Another exciting thing in our lives is: the baby room is officially started! :) I bought all of the paint last week, and have all of the office stuff (like the desk, books, files, etc.) all taken out and moved into the spare bedroom. Now, as soon as my hubby is home for a day or two its time to paint and put up the crib and changing table!!! EEK! I can't even explain my excitement! I've literally been waiting to start the baby room for 7 months! Haha... Let the nesting begin.
With changes beginning to arrive, I'm starting to realize just how close Baby Punt is to arriving. Anxious, nervous, excitement all floats in the air around me. 11 weeks to go. Brad and I are heading back to Ames today for the rest of the week. I've gotta work at the kennel, and Brad has a few things he has to get done at work. We are then coming back up to NW IA for the weekend and for New Years for a few family "Christmas" gatherings. Just going one day at a time until our sea-monster makes the grand entrance to the world!
With changes beginning to arrive, I'm starting to realize just how close Baby Punt is to arriving. Anxious, nervous, excitement all floats in the air around me. 11 weeks to go. Brad and I are heading back to Ames today for the rest of the week. I've gotta work at the kennel, and Brad has a few things he has to get done at work. We are then coming back up to NW IA for the weekend and for New Years for a few family "Christmas" gatherings. Just going one day at a time until our sea-monster makes the grand entrance to the world!
Paige Marie's Story
Paige was the result of love. Nothing else. Just pure love. You all know how Paige came to be... Although she wasn't a thought in our lives at the time, she became a huge blessing to not only myself, but to many others as well. With emotions ranging from ecstatic to scared, I knew this little one was being introduced into our lives with a purpose, a reason for being who she would become. From the moment I saw this: ... (see picture below)...
... I was scared, freaked, excited, worried, happy, and most of all... so unconditionally in love with the little sea monster that grew within me.
Brad and I saw the Dr. for the first time at 9 weeks along. We discussed different Genetical Defects that could be tested for, and which tests we wanted to have performed. At 12 weeks along we got to see and hear, for the first time, the creation that had come to be. Although I couldn't feel it just quite yet, I knew she was there. When we heard that heart beat for the first time, Brad and I both just looked at each other and smiled. With a great sense of love, excitement, and joy. When we heard that heart beat match up to the flutter on the big screen black and white TV image, we knew this was real. It was no longer just a stick that said "pregnant" but it was truly our little one growing and becoming something we knew would change our lives forever. This was the week that we had the genetic testing done, hence the ultrasound. Everything read "on the dot" to what it should. Nothing out of the normal, she measured right on the spot to where she should at 12 weeks along.
(12 week Ultrasound)
At around 13 weeks, shortly after our first ultrasound, we announced to the public of Baby Punt's existence. Many people were thrilled and showed their support and excitement for us. Many people saw it as a shock, as this was nothing we had been planning on. With excitement growing within our families, we started to become more and more excited as well.
(Our Characticture from the State Fair)
At 14 weeks along I started to feel "the showing" come to be. I started gaining a bump. Although I still couldn't feel anything inside that bump, I knew it was there. I knew that the little one was growing, although not very quickly at this point, my body could feel the hormonal and physical changes that were coming to be. My friends started noticing the bump, and people started rubbing it. As much as that bugged me, looking back I wish I hadn't taken it for granted. I would do anything for someone to come up and pat my pregnant belly right now.
(14 Weeks Along)
As the weeks flew by, I knew we were nearing the middle of the pregnancy. I was SO excited to find out the gender of the little Sea Monster that grew within my tummy. With the anatomy scan ultrasound, we measured everything imaginable within my uterus. The size of the mouth, eyes, head, chest, belly, spine, arms, legs, feet, hands... we even measured the kidney, heart, and liver sizes. This ultrasound really made me realize how detailed and how special this little one was going to be. Even at 20 weeks along, our child had every organ necessary for life, even though they were underdeveloped yet at this point, they were present. We also learned that Baby Punt was a girl, and soon thereafter, decided on a name for our little Pee-Wee. A daughter of my own, made in the combination of mine and Brad's images. Even at 20 weeks, on the 3D ultrasound we could pick out different characteristics that came from the two of us. A symbol of the love that we shared, not only with each other, but with the young one that would soon come to be a child, a daily task in our lives. A joy, a thrill.
(20 Week Ultrasound)
At 28 weeks, I thought I was becoming miserable. "Only 12 weeks left" was a common thought of mine. I was counting down until Baby Paige would be here, on earth, with her mother and father. As anxious as I was, the worry came along with it. ..."The nursery needs painting," "I need to find a job for after maternity leave," "I need to be closer to Brad's work so he doesn't have to drive back and forth all the time." Typical maternal worries of nearing the end of pregnancy.
(28 Weeks Pregnant)
After leaving the Dr's office on the 28th, Paige was extremely mobile. I thought nothing of this as I had just drank a disgusting orange fluid (whichever nurse told me it tasted like orange cool-aid ought to be shot in the foot for lying to me) that was overdosed with sugar for my glucose screen. My maternal instincts knew something was different, but I blamed it on the sugar. Friday night Brad and I made a 4 hour trek home on icy, slick roads. The entire ride I felt nothing. This didn't worry me either because Paige had never been mobile during long car rides. I blamed her in-activeness on the lull of the ride. Nothing out of the normal to me. Saturday morning, the 29th, Brad and I went to breakfast with my father and great-grandfather. Again, I felt no movement, but Paige has never been very active in the morning, and I figured she was tired from the excessive movement and sugar rush Friday afternoon. Around noon I texted Brad and said that I was getting worried because I still hadn't felt any movement. I wasn't "concerned" but I was a little worried. Brad and I both didn't want to get too worked up so we were going to just wait and see if she was still sleeping. Around 4 PM Saturday, I woke up from a nap and Paige's body had moved way up to my ribs... this was normal after getting up from laying down for a while. I did the typical "shove" on the top of my belly to shift her body down farther so I could be more comfortable... This relieved some of my worry because I knew that her body had moved some-what... not making me tie this to her still being immobile. Saturday night we had supper at Brads grandpa and grandma's house. After a HUGE meal, I knew something was wrong. Paige had ALWAYS been mobile after me eating a large meal. This was when the worry set in....
After a lot of commotion at GnG's house, Cathy rushed me to the ER in Le Mars where my mom was working for the night. NEVER did I think I would hear the news I was about to hear. I knew something wasn't right, but I never thought my little Pee-Wee would never enter this earth without a first breath.
When we arrived at the ER, I was impatient. I wanted to know what was wrong, and I wanted to know now. I was NOT happy to be told "Please take a seat, I will be right with you..." "Um. Excuse me!? My baby isn't moving and I need to be seen now"... was my first thought. But, I paced in circles, waiting for my turn. After being admitted, Brad and I were brought to a delivery room where two nurses came in with a Doppler to pick up Paige's heart beat. With a full meal going through my GI tract, they couldn't pick up any definite heart beats, but they kept picking up random noises that were coming up at ~115 "beats" per minute. They checked my heart rate and I was "racing" at 100 beats per minute. That was still enough to give me hope. As small as that amount of hope was, I still held a sliver of it. Brad and I were worried, but we were beginning to realize what this all meant. Our family came to see us just before Brad and I were moved to another room so that they could do an ultrasound. When the Dr. pulled up that ultrasound screen and neither Brad nor myself saw any movement in our baby's chest area... we both looked at each other and knew what this meant.
The Dr. informed us that the ultrasound tech was about 45 minutes away. Brad and I didn't feel like waiting in the ultrasound room so we asked to be returned to the delivery room we had started in. When we returned Brad and I instantly broke down into tears. Our family began to file into the room, which was when everybody put the puzzle pieces together. Brad was so strong that night, and the next few days to follow. He was my rock. I cried many tears into his chest. Our families have both been through a lot, but we never expected this. Many hugs were exchanged and tears were shed... It wasn't extremely "real" to me yet at this point, even though I knew what it meant. After the ultrasound tech arrived, read the ultrasound, measured Paige's body parts and confirmed death of baby Paige, Brad and I were transferred into a real hospital room. We were placed right next to the "family room" which was where all of our "guests" waited and conversed during our stay. It was such a blessing to have so much of our family present to help us through this journey. I also had some of the best nurses ever. Early Sunday morning, the 30th, the Dr. "checked" me to see how my cervix looked... she explained it as being "locked up as tight as a safe." .... They had to soften my cervix by medications. My aunt Denise came in around 10 AM to do some maternity photos for Brad and I. I am so glad we had. The photos show my bump so perfectly, and show us as a family before all the future changes occurred. These pictures will always have a special place in my heart.
By noon on Sunday the Dr. put me on Pitocin to jump start contractions. By mid afternoon I was feeling contractions every 3 minutes. They weren't painful but I could feel them. The Dr. also had to stimulate my cervix to dilate by placing a catheter into my uterus. This caused pressure to push down on my cervix... this replaced the role of a baby's head. Since my baby wasn't actively moving and causing pressure on my cervix they had to trick my body into thinking it was time to dilate the cervix. As things progressed, we discussed different options for after the birth of our baby girl. Did we want to perform an autopsy? What did we want to do if there was visible signs of why this happened? How were we going to go about this? ... so many questions that needed answers. All questions I wasn't prepared to answer. By 9 PM Sunday the contractions were harder and only about 30 seconds apart. They gave me sleeping pills and I slept until midnight. I then got up for a short walk, and shortly after requested the epidural. The contractions were now painful and I just wanted everything to be over with. At 1:30 AM I received my epidural and shortly thereafter went back to sleep.
When I woke up at 6:00 AM, I knew things were about to happen. Big things. The Dr. came into my room around 6:45 and discussed what our options were for delivery. At 7:00 AM she broke my water and informed me it was time to push... Brad and I hadn't started our birthing classes yet, so the nurses had to coach me through what to do. Being as I couldn't feel anything from my belly button down, I was guessing as to what muscles I was using.. (sounds weird but it's so true). Breathe in, hold 10 seconds, and push with all your might.
At 7:40 AM, Paige Marie Punt was born into this world. Although she was stillborn, she was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I know every mother says that about their baby... But Paige was so Angel like... My Angel. A true mixture of her father and mother. The first thing I realized when I saw her face was that thick, full head of black hair. Gorgeous black hair. This was when everything became real to me. Holding my still baby girl for the first time. With a broken heart I held her, kissed her forehead and handed her to daddy for the first time. I wished so desperately to hear that first cry that all mothers dream about. When the Dr. looked over baby Paige's body, she discovered a twisted umbilical chord. The chord had formed in a spiral formation. When she untwisted it, the chord would re-form and twist back into position. The Dr. called this "telephone chord" because that was what it was like. The umbilical chord just could't manage Paige's needs inside the womb any further. I believe that the high amount of activity Friday after the Dr's were Paige's final strokes and kicks of life. As much as that hurts to say, and think about, Those were the last movements I felt. After Brad and I gave Paige back to the Nurses, they took her to give her a "bath" and family went in to see her. Brad and I were transferred back to our normal hospital room. Paige was then delivered to us in a bread basket. Weighing 2 pounds 4 ounces and measured 14 inches long. 1/2 of those inches were fingers and the other half were feet. She would have been a clutz... just like her mama.
About an hour after delivery a professional photographer came to the hospital to take photos. She volunteered her time as part of the organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep." This is a non-profit organization that finds photographers to come in and take infant remembrance photography. Below is the link to their Facebook Page... Please take a look, like their page, and support what they do for families like ours in times of desperate need.
https://www.facebook.com/nilmdts?fref=ts
(Photo by Vanessa Bartels Photography through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep)
After pictures were taken, the funeral home was called. We had decided to skip the autopsy and let our Angel sleep in peace. The funeral home and pastor came at 1 PM to discuss funeral/memorial service decisions. And then came the temporary goodbyes. Although I knew I would see her again in a few days time... This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I tried to be so strong for Brad, but I just couldn't do it. Telling my baby girl that I was sorry for whatever I had done. Telling her I was happy she was in a better place than we were. Telling her goodbye for now, I'll see you again. Everything I told her broke my heart. When I handed her off to the funeral home guy, I knew I needed Brad. All I wanted was to hug the man who has always been there for me in times of need. Who's supported my every decision with trust and loyalty. Although he is my rock, I knew this was hard for him too, so we held each other and cried. Sending our baby off was the hardest thing we had ever done.
Monday night, New Years Eve, we had a few friends come over to the hospital. As tired as I was, I loved having our closest friends around to support us and to bring in the New Year with us. Although we hadn't imagined bringing in the New Year this way, it was nice to know that there were people supporting us and giving us hope in a future together. You don't realize how much people mean to you until they are there for you in desperate times and measures. Our family and friends were our rocks and our fortress through the past few weeks.
I was discharged from the hospital Tuesday AM , the 1st. Quite the way to bring in the year 2013. Tuesday afternoon Brad, myself, and our parent's met at the funeral home to finalize details. We also got to see the casket that was donated to us for Paige. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
Wednesday and Thursday were both spent finalizing plans, picking out photos for the memorial, and finishing up random ends and such. Friday morning at 9:45 the family was invited to a private funeral service. Baby Paige was a beautiful Angel dressed up in her gorgeous gown made from my wedding gown. Beautiful doesn't even explain it. Pictures don't even begin to show the beauty of my baby girl.
(Paige in her gown made from my wedding dress)
Saying our final goodbyes were the hardest thing I hope we ever have to go through. Brad, once again, was a solid rock for me to lean on during one of the worst moments of my life. Although I know she's happy and healthy and in a better place than we are, it still hurt to say goodbye.
(Paige's final kiss from mom, my final goodbyes to her)
Friday at 11 AM we held a memorial service for our little girl. So much scripture and prayer was read and said I began to feel at peace with these events. I began to realize that this really was meant to be. A whole plan thrown together by the One above. Although Paige never breathed the air we breathe, she touched so many lives. A true blessing. One of my favorite quotes I have found so far related to stillbirths is "An Angel in the Book of Life wrote down my baby's birth, and as she closed the book she said "too beautiful for earth." My gorgeous Angel, may she forever rest in peace, was never meant to live the life we live. She has been blessed with eternal life, a better life than we could have ever given her. She is Happy. She is Safe. She is Healthy. Three of the most important things a parent wishes for their child(ren).
So many prayers, so much support, and a ton of love was spilled to us these past few weeks. As a family, we want to say thank you to each and every one of you out there, even to those who will never read this blog. You have no clue how important it was for us to have that support and those prayers. We couldn't have done this alone. We are so thankful for the supportive family, the loving friends, and hundreds of others out there who have been here for us. Thank you from the depths of our hearts. We hope you were touched, just as we were, by this beautiful Angel named Paige Marie Punt.
Thank you from the depths of our hearts,
Brad, Roslyn, and our angel, Paige
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
A Few Answers...
This past week and a half has been a total blur. Everything has gone so fast, yet incredibly slow. With the ability to numb my body and mind every once in a while, I have managed to get this far... Being home in Ames has really changed my amount of strength. With Brad being gone for 2 nights now, it's really taking a tole on me. Even with my mother in law staying with me for the week, I wish my hubby could be home with me instead of at work. I am more than excited for our Denver trip this coming weekend for a week. Even though I know I should be home to grieve and deal, I just want to get out of here. It's so surreal and everything I see makes me wish that Paige was here with me.
Yesterday I got a phone call from the Dr's office in Le Mars. The Dr. had taken blood to perform a TORCH test while I was in the hospital.The TORCH test is an infectious-disease antibody titer test. It measures the types and level of concentrations of antibodies in the blood. TORCH stands for toxoplasmosis, other infections, rubella, cytomegalovirus (CMV), and herpes simples virus (HSV). Well, the Le Mars Dr. got my results back yesterday, and they found out that I tested positive for CMV..... This means that I had antibodies within my blood, representing that at some point in my life I had contracted this virus, but currently my body is only carrying the antibodies. (http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/TORCH+test)
Cytomegalovirus is a part of the herpes virus complex. (http://dictionary.webmd.com/terms/cytomegalovirus(cmv)). It's very common, and infects up to 80% of people in the US by the age of 40. It doesn't cause problems for most people because a healthy immune system can easily control it. CMV is an infection that can enter your body a lot like "regular" herpes through body secretions, but it is rare. Most people who are infected don't know about it because CMV usually doesn't cause any symptoms. (http://www.webmd.com/hiv-aids/aids-hiv-opportunistic-infections-cytomegalovirus)
According to a friends sister, who is an NICU Nurse, it's basically "mono." Just like the flu, mono has different strains. This is basically a strain of mono that I had never known I had gotten. It can be passed on just like a cold, from person to person, without anyone even knowing. According to this nurse, it won't affect future pregnancies for me because my body is building immunity as I type this blog.
We also visited the OBGYN today for a "post-natal" check-up... even though it's not a normal check up. As much as I wish it was normal, it so wasn't. After walking into the clinic, there of course, was a mother holding her baby. There were also other pregnant ladies that were sitting in the waiting room, which just made me want to have my own little bump that still kicked and nudged. When we spoke with the Dr. in Des Moines, she reviewed my TORCH results with me again. I had the Le Mars Hospital fax them to my OBGYN so we could discuss it with my regular doctor. Welp. It turns out that my TORCH test was normal for all of the parts. Even the CMV test was normal. My Dr. in Des Moines didn't know why the Le Mars Hospital would call me and inform me that I tested positive when my numbers were in normal range and were not to cause a concern. Well. This of course pissed me off. I couldn't understand why I was told that I tested positive for a virus, which is actually a common thing, when my numbers were completely normal. The Hospital didn't explain to me at all what my results meant. This of course caused a restless night last night. Keeping me tossing and turning a majority of the night wondering if THIS was the answer to our issues.
The Dr. in Des Moines went through guidelines and limits for me that I need to follow for the next while. She also answered our questions about the CMV, informing us that it was nothing to be worried about and that it would not effect future pregnancies. This was a bit of a relief, making me hopeful for our future pregnancy(s?).
As the days slowly pass by, I am just keeping myself busy. Of course, I lay in bed each night, cry a little, and eventually fall asleep. But I'm keeping strong. Taking it one day at a time. Cathy (my mother-in-law) has been here for me this week. She has pretty much packed up the entire trailer and is prepping us to move after I return from Denver. I leave for Denver on Sunday, and will be there for 8 days with Brad. It will be a nice little vacation for me, get my mind off of things, go shopping, and spend some time with friends. I'm also looking forward to starting a job after I return, but am waiting to hear back from a few that I have applied for also.
Keeping busy, taking it one day at a time, and just having hope in a future has helped me grieve this past week the best. I look forward to a future with my husband, and a future child of course. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
Love, Roz
The Dr. in Des Moines went through guidelines and limits for me that I need to follow for the next while. She also answered our questions about the CMV, informing us that it was nothing to be worried about and that it would not effect future pregnancies. This was a bit of a relief, making me hopeful for our future pregnancy(s?).
As the days slowly pass by, I am just keeping myself busy. Of course, I lay in bed each night, cry a little, and eventually fall asleep. But I'm keeping strong. Taking it one day at a time. Cathy (my mother-in-law) has been here for me this week. She has pretty much packed up the entire trailer and is prepping us to move after I return from Denver. I leave for Denver on Sunday, and will be there for 8 days with Brad. It will be a nice little vacation for me, get my mind off of things, go shopping, and spend some time with friends. I'm also looking forward to starting a job after I return, but am waiting to hear back from a few that I have applied for also.
Keeping busy, taking it one day at a time, and just having hope in a future has helped me grieve this past week the best. I look forward to a future with my husband, and a future child of course. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
Love, Roz
Friday, January 4, 2013
Paige Marie Punt
Paige Marie Punt was stillborn on Monday, December 31st, 2012 at 7:40 AM. She weighed 2 lbs. 4 oz. and was 14 inches long. From her long, gorgeous fingers to her adorable big feet, everything was perfect. She is now awaiting our meeting in heaven. The funeral was held this morning at 9:45 with family. The hardest thing I have ever had to experience. Saying goodbye to our baby girl hurt from the depths of my heart, but we had each other and we had our family, and the Lord above watching over us. Through everyone's support and strength, and the hope of seeing our baby girl again, we made it through the day. After the funeral service we had a prayer/memorial service held at church that was amazing. With scripture and prayer, Pastor Jeremy did a wonderful job of putting together a service. Fellowship also went very well. We want to thank everyone who was there to support us on this hurtful day. We are so grateful for everyone's support, prayers, thoughts, and concerns through this past week. Everyone means so much to us. We also want to thank those who donated towards the expenses of the funeral, and gave us flowers and gifts to help us deal and cope with this loss.
December 30th, 2012:
After hours of sitting in the ER last night, multiple doctors, and searching for a heart beat for hours along with a few ultrasounds, Brad and I were informed that Baby Punt has passed onto the next world to be with Jesus Christ our Lord. With broken hearts we will say our farewells with the love and strength that you all are giving us. The hope of the future is keeping us going.
December 31st, 2012:
Paige Marie Punt was born at 7:41 AM. She has my face and cheakbones, but brads lip and nose. Shes beautiful. The doctor concluded that this was in the making from the beginning. Her umbilical chord was formed in a spiral which caused a loss of bloodflow. She will always be remembered as our little Angel. ♥
Obituary:
Paige Punt, the daughter of Bradley and Roslyn Punt, of Ames, was stillborn on Monday, December 31, 2012, at the Floyd Valley Hospital in Le Mars.
There will be a memorial prayer service on Friday, January 4, at 11:00am, at the Archer Reformed Church in Archer. The Rev. Jeremy Wiersema will officiate. Interment will be prior to the service at the Hospers Cemetery. Arrangements are with the Oolman Funeral Home in Hospers.
Paige Marie Punt was born on December 31, 2012, in Le Mars, the daughter of Bradley Jay and Roslyn Marie (Ackerman) Punt.
Paige Marie’s family includes her parents, Bradley Jay and Roslyn Marie (Ackerman) Punt; her grandparents, Brad Ackerman, Phil and Beth (Ackerman) Schultz, and Bill and Cathy Punt; great-grandparents, Glenn and Jacqueline De Jong, Leroy and Joan Punt, Judy Yates, Russell and Sharon Doorenbos, and Dennis and Gloria Vander Plaats; great-great-grandparents, Francis and Audrey Faber, Bertha Vander Plaats, and Simon Rodenburgh; four aunts, Cassie Ackerman, Sara Ackerman, Cheri Punt, and Catherine Punt; numerous great-uncles and great aunts; and many other relatives.
She was preceded in death by her great-grandfathers, Stanley Yates and Bud Ackerman, Jr.; and her uncle, Breiton Ackerman.
Memorials may be directed to the family.
This poem was specifically written for Paige by a high school friend of mine. We want to thank you, Sarah, for this wonderful gift you gave to us. Thank you so much.
God Precious Gift
By:Sarah Drenten
No one knew when you'd arrive
or what God all had planned
No one knew how you would be
or what we'd have to stand
yet we knew that you were ours
God chose us just for you
so tiny, small, and beautiful
you were our dream come true
and looking at your little hands
and mouth and nose and eyes
its hard to fathom all you had
at a such a tiny size
“why us?” we often asked ourselves
“why you at this small size?”
this wasn't our intended plan
but you'll always be our prize
Paige Marie, we love you so
much more each passing day
so little one, good bye for now,
We'll meet again someday!
<3 and="and" brad="brad" font="font" nbsp="nbsp" roslyn="roslyn">
December 30th, 2012:
After hours of sitting in the ER last night, multiple doctors, and searching for a heart beat for hours along with a few ultrasounds, Brad and I were informed that Baby Punt has passed onto the next world to be with Jesus Christ our Lord. With broken hearts we will say our farewells with the love and strength that you all are giving us. The hope of the future is keeping us going.
December 31st, 2012:
Paige Marie Punt was born at 7:41 AM. She has my face and cheakbones, but brads lip and nose. Shes beautiful. The doctor concluded that this was in the making from the beginning. Her umbilical chord was formed in a spiral which caused a loss of bloodflow. She will always be remembered as our little Angel. ♥
Obituary:
Paige Punt, the daughter of Bradley and Roslyn Punt, of Ames, was stillborn on Monday, December 31, 2012, at the Floyd Valley Hospital in Le Mars.
There will be a memorial prayer service on Friday, January 4, at 11:00am, at the Archer Reformed Church in Archer. The Rev. Jeremy Wiersema will officiate. Interment will be prior to the service at the Hospers Cemetery. Arrangements are with the Oolman Funeral Home in Hospers.
Paige Marie Punt was born on December 31, 2012, in Le Mars, the daughter of Bradley Jay and Roslyn Marie (Ackerman) Punt.
Paige Marie’s family includes her parents, Bradley Jay and Roslyn Marie (Ackerman) Punt; her grandparents, Brad Ackerman, Phil and Beth (Ackerman) Schultz, and Bill and Cathy Punt; great-grandparents, Glenn and Jacqueline De Jong, Leroy and Joan Punt, Judy Yates, Russell and Sharon Doorenbos, and Dennis and Gloria Vander Plaats; great-great-grandparents, Francis and Audrey Faber, Bertha Vander Plaats, and Simon Rodenburgh; four aunts, Cassie Ackerman, Sara Ackerman, Cheri Punt, and Catherine Punt; numerous great-uncles and great aunts; and many other relatives.
She was preceded in death by her great-grandfathers, Stanley Yates and Bud Ackerman, Jr.; and her uncle, Breiton Ackerman.
Memorials may be directed to the family.
This poem was specifically written for Paige by a high school friend of mine. We want to thank you, Sarah, for this wonderful gift you gave to us. Thank you so much.
God Precious Gift
By:Sarah Drenten
No one knew when you'd arrive
or what God all had planned
No one knew how you would be
or what we'd have to stand
yet we knew that you were ours
God chose us just for you
so tiny, small, and beautiful
you were our dream come true
and looking at your little hands
and mouth and nose and eyes
its hard to fathom all you had
at a such a tiny size
“why us?” we often asked ourselves
“why you at this small size?”
this wasn't our intended plan
but you'll always be our prize
Paige Marie, we love you so
much more each passing day
so little one, good bye for now,
We'll meet again someday!
<3 and="and" brad="brad" font="font" nbsp="nbsp" roslyn="roslyn">
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