2 Weeks To Go...

 Today would be week 38 of my pregnancy with Paige. Only two weeks would be left, if not less than that.

I can't help but imagine what life would be like if I were still pregnant. I picture myself to be ginormous. I was already feeling fairly large at Christmas 10 weeks ago, I couldn't imagine the size I would be by now. I'm sure it would be constant sweatpants and sweatshirt types of days. I would be miserable. I am sure of it. I was already having back cramps and really bad knots. I was already dealing with throbbing feet. I didn't sleep very well, which I'm sure would have just gotten worse as time got closer to our due date.

I imagine myself as nervous as a pheasant on opening day. I would be beyond ready to meet my little girl, I am sure of it, but I would be freaking out about becoming a mother as well. I can't help but picture the feelings I would have after giving birth to her though. I still wish, everyday, that Paige were still here with us. I still wish everything that happened over the 29th to 31st of December never happened. But it did.

Even though I can wish and hope that Paige was still here, I know that she is not, and I know that God had different plans for our family. Obviously Paige wasn't meant to be a part of our physical family. It's hard to accept that, but it's the truth.

As I watch so many of my other friends have their babies, or prepare for their upcoming ones, I miss Paige more and more. Each and every day it gets a little harder, but easier at the same time. I know she is gone. I know she is safe. I know she is cared for. That's all I need to know to keep living life, happily. I know that everyone else's babies aren't going to make the future easy. I will always picture Paige in the babies that are close to us and in our lives. I know little Allison and little Miss Kleyer, who is SUPPOSED to make her appearance any day now, will be life long reminders of Paige and my journey with her. I know they will always be reminders of where Paige should be in life, developmentally. I know it won't be an easy trip. But, it was all worth it. The mere 5 months that I knew Paige (minus the first 4 weeks since I didn't know I was pregnant) was enough for me to fall completely in love with her.

Like anyone's life, there are ups and downs. She has been my rock through everything lately. Even though she is not here physically, she is still here spiritually. I hold that close to my heart and keep in close contact with my guardian angel. I know she will never be far from me.

As our due date draws near, life gets a little bit more sad each day, but I know in time it will wear down. It's just a journey that God is walking me though for the time being. I know as each day passes by it hurts a little less, even though I miss her a little more.