40 Week Journey: Due Date

June 23, 2012 - March 19, 2013.

40 Weeks.

9 Months.

Brad and I never would have guessed that our lives were about to change in July 2012. Nor that it would change yet again in December 2012 instead of March 2013.

July 7th, 2012 I discovered I was pregnant. Was it planned? Not exactly. Were we prepared? Not in the least bit. Were we excited? More than ever.

It took us both a few weeks to realize what was really happening, but at our 10 week OBGYN visit, the heart beat made everything surreal. That was when it really sank in. We were really pregnant. It wasn't just a "fluke" in my bodily routine, it was real. As the weeks flew by, literally, we started nick-naming "it." On November 1 we learned that 'it' was going to be a bundle of pink. A daughter. We both thought we were having a boy based on those silly wives tales, but we both knew that if we thought one thing, it would be the other. November 11th we made the big reveal to the families that 'it' was in fact a 'she'. A baby shower was thrown over Thanksgiving Break for me, and the baby stuff started filling the trailer as we were preparing for her to arrive.

Brad and I started calling her "Pee Wee," as we knew her name was going to be Paige at this point. We wanted a nick name that started with the same initial as her real name. Christmas came and the gifts flowed in even more. As this point the trailer in Ames was packed with baby stuff. I was hitting the "nesting" stage and was preparing for her arrival. I bought paint for her room, and started the painting process. The next day we had our 28 week check-up. After passing my glucose test, and hearing her heart beat, rapidly racing like normal, I set off for Northwest Iowa for the new year.

Little did we know that within a matter of 24 hours, Paige would be taken from our daily routine. On Saturday, December 28th I was admitted into the Floyd Valley Hospital in Le Mars, Iowa. After a few hours in the ER doing a "stress test" that couldn't find Paige's heartbeat, we had an ultrasound done, where the Dr. then informed us that "there is no movement in her chest." Paige was gone. Taken from us.

Today has been rough, I'm not going to lie. Last night was even worse as yesterday, Monday,  marked 11 weeks since her birth.  The worst part about stillbirth is the fact that you can't be prepared for it. Nobody expects it to happen to them, until after it happens. I've read story upon story about first pregnancy stillbirths, and each and every testimony has resulted in the same thing: fear of a second pregnancy and a second stillbirth. Some stories reported 4 still births in a row, and then, a successful live birth. Some reported a first pregnancy stillbirth, and no issues with following pregnancies at all. But once you experience something like this, there is always the fear of the future and what can happen. I'm not even pregnant, and I already fear having another child. What if we have a second stillbirth? How would I handle that, again? ... I can't help but think about what can go WRONG, not what can go RIGHT.

Before Paige, I didn't really "consciously" know that stillbirth still occurred. People just don't talk about it, until you experience it for yourself, and THEN the word comes out. Over 20 people that are a part of my life came and spoke with me, wrote me letters, or opened up about their pregnancy experiences. From stillbirth, to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, or disfigured features, people were open with me about their babies that died. So why doesn't anybody talk about stillbirth to pregnant mothers? Because WE, including myself, don't want to scare, or put fear into the other future mothers. People hide their stillborn stories from others, until their story is able to help and encourage another peer who is going through what they once did as well.

When we found out Paige was going to be a stillborn, so many questions ran through my head, and occasionally still do. Why me? I'm not overweight, I'm healthy, I'm young, I don't do drugs, or smoke, or drink alcohol excessively while not pregnant (the occasional glass of wine, wine cooler, or night out with some friends doesn't count as excessive!), nor did I ever drink while pregnant. After 11 weeks, it still isn't clear WHY. I'm not sure it ever will be clear. It's been 8 years since Breiton's death, and the question still hasn't been answered. It's different when the elderly pass away. Everyone knows that some day, the time will come. As you get older, you realize that time is ticking. Nobody lives forever (besides the couple exceptions in the Bible). You can prepare for {some} elderly deaths. You expect it to happen eventually, you prepare yourself, even though you don't feel ready when the time comes to say goodbye. Nobody is ever "Ready" to say goodbye, but sometimes it's easier to accept when it's the elderly.

It's till hard to believe that God chooses to take young ones away. We all automatically believe that our children are going to outlive us. Even I think about how little Alli and Evie are going to grow up, get married, and have babies of their own, and eventually have to bury their PARENTS. I even think about how Paige should be here to care for Brad and I when we are old and crippled. I don't think about how parent's will suffer the loss of a child, and bury them. After losing so many young ones in my life; my brother Breiton at just shy of 5 years old, cousin Allie Rae at 23 days old, Paige at 28 weeks gestation; I still expect younger ones to live longer than everyone else. That's just human nature. We just all assume that our children, and their children, will outlive us, yet so many of us have buried our own children, grandchildren, and even great grandchildren.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." John 3:16-17

When I struggle to remember why young ones are taken so suddenly and unexpectedly  I remember what God did for our salvation. He GAVE his ONLY Son. WILLINGLY, and KNOWINGLY, he watched his Son suffer on the cross for OUR lives. I could never sit back and willingly sacrifice my own child for the lives of others. I am selfish. I would do ANYTHING to save my own child from suffering and distress, and I am almost positive that ANY parent out there would agree with me.

I have repeatedly been told that I am a strong individual for going through everything I have gone through. So many people ask me how I do it. Part of me wants to answer "It's just who I am, I've been through a lot, and I have just learned how to deal with life's punches." But I know that isn't the entire truth. It's not WHO I am, but HOW I am. Everyone copes differently, which Brad and I are learning through this journey. I cope by talking, by telling stories of Paige and sharing memories I have of her. Brad copes by keeping it all locked in, by not sharing, by dealing on his own. We are two different people, we cope differently. My way of coping is by being strong and trusting in the Lord with all my heart that everything is going to be alright. I am not strong because it's something that I have learned. I am strong because my rock is a solid foundation.

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” Mathew 7:24-27

My house (life) is built upon a rock (Christ). The storm (life's punches) affects my house (life), but since it is built upon a rock (Christ), it does not fall. I find strength in knowing that if God is my rock, my life will stay complete. Even though I am missing large structures (Breiton and Paige) in my house (life), my house (life) is still standing because my foundation (Christ) is solid and does not shift like a foundation made of sand (drugs, alcohol, etc). ... I hope I didn't confuse you all with all of the inserts!

This is why I am strong. Not because I am "immune" to life's events, or because I have learned to roll with the punches. I am strong because He is strong. I don't need anything else in my life for it to be complete. My house could be in shambles, a bomb could go off within it, but I would remain stable. You can always rebuild your house upon the foundation, as long as that foundation remains as a rock.