Another Introduction

On Wednesday I received a text from a good couple of friends who live out in Western South Dakota. She was due with their first child, a girl, on the 9th. On Wednesday the Dr's informed them that the amniotic fluid was low and that they were going to induce her for labor.

All day yesterday Nikita was on Pitocin to keep contractions going. The baby still hadn't moved down and she was holding on for dear life inside of Nikita's belly. Last night at 7:00 Nikita texted me saying that they were upping her Pitocin to really get contractions going because the baby's head was starting to swell a little. 

I received a text early this morning that Evyn Grace Kleyer was introduced to the world at 11:15 last night weighing 9 pounds 12.5 ounces and was 21 inches long. 4 days overdue and a rolly-polly-ollie little girl. She is a perfect little girl for a great set of parents. 

As I watch some of our closest friends experiencing what I dreamed about for nearly 6 1/2 months, I'm full of joy for them, but yet I still have that ache. The ache and longing of holding a baby of my own. Paige would have been baby girl #3 for our close group of friends if I were still pregnant with her. 

I still struggle from day to day, trying to understand "Why?" I know that I may never know the answer to that question, but that doesn't stop it from running through my head. I'm struggling to let go of the dreams and hopes that I wished to have with Paige. The experiences that any first time mother should go through with her first child. My life is forever changed now because of this. It doesn't hurt me to see our friends have both of their newborn baby girls who are very close to Paige's age. It doesn't hurt for me to see pictures of them on Facebook, or to hold them and spend time with them... what hurts is the jealousy of them being able to experience this journey, while I am stuck in the corner watching instead of experiencing it with them. 

I wish with all my heart that I could have that "poopy diaper conversation" or the "up all night talks" that I know two of my closest friends get to experience together without me. We were all looking forward to raising our girls together and having these conversations and gatherings, but now I am out on my own type of journey that is completely opposite of theirs. It sucks. 

I get to watch these two other couples fall completely head over heals in love with their daughters, and with their partners all over again. I get to watch their daughters grow up and experience the things that Paige will never experience. It hurts, but it is life. The life that was laid out for me to live, not for me to write but to follow. Which is exactly what I am currently doing. Living life, day to day, according to what God has planned for me.