I really, quite honestly, haven't had a lot of courage to be blogging much this past week. Today I think all of the emotions of the past two weeks caught up with me. I usually do a fairly good job at keeping my emotions in check, and being able to work through my issues for the day, but today was not one of those days.
I still haven't heard anything back from any of the jobs that I applied for, but I am hoping to hear back on Thursday. The Sioux Center location has their last interview 'early this week' and were hoping to let me know by Thursday. My fingers haven't been uncrossed since I got the 'update' on the position last Friday.
I have been living with my father for what seems like, months. I've only been staying here (2 weeks) because I absolutely despise being at Brad's work... sitting around all day while he's working. No internet. No TV. Just me and my library of movies, which I have seen 100 times over. Brad and I aren't really enjoying this 'long distance relationship' that we have been dealing with. He has to work, which I COMPLETELY understand, but I can't just sit around and do nothing down in Anita all week either, while he works his ass off. Not to mention sleeping in a BARN where the rats, mice, and other unspeakable rodents live as well. It seriously grosses me out to be there, and Brad absolutely doesn't understand it... because he loves it.. :s I just don't see what he see's in that Southern Iowa location. As much as he tries to explain it, it just doesn't come.
I've been struggling with my emotions these past few days, mostly. I see so many of my friends, or friends of friends, having babies, announcing their pregnancies, getting married, or just having a 'normal' life, and yet their COMPLAINING about how awful it is.... It all seems so unfair to me.
Everyone tells me that I have been so strong and that I deal with everything in my life so well. I agree. Yes. I do handle situations like this fairly well, but there are days where I feel like my life is in ruins. Today was one of those days. Everybody has their weak spots. You can't be strong forever. Here's a peak into my emotions on a day like today.
(This is where the 'Bitchy' attitude is going to come out in this post... Sorry, but sometimes I just need a rant... and THIS is my rant. If you don't want to listen to it, then don't, it won't hurt my feelings. Ignore my SHOUTY CAPITALS also...)
My life. I can't even 'sum up' my life. Too much SHIT has happened to me. And it's just NOT FAIR. I know... 'life's not fair'.... I know, I know, I know. Believe me. I know. I've been 'to Hell and back', I've been kicked over and over and over in this life, and I just want ONE thing to go right. I'm sick and tired of hearing people, or seeing Facebook posts about how shitty their lives are. All I can think is ... 'you have no idea what I would give for THAT life'. ... I see so many people complaining about their pregnancies... how they have morning sickness, or how they are 'always' hungry or exhausted or cranky or ready for it to be over with... but what they DON'T realize, is that there are people out there that would give ANYTHING to be in their shoes at this exact moment. I see people complaining about how their baby kept them up all night, or their baby is fussy, or colicky, or made a mess of their carpet... and then there's people like me, again, who would give ANYTHING to experience that. But I CANT. Because MY child was taken from me. Why?? Nobody knows. Nobody can tell me ANYTHING to make me feel better about it. If my life was easy, it would be such a miracle. I have TWO college degrees, yet I STILL haven't found a job after graduating FOUR months ago. I have lost TOOOO many people in my life to not expect the negative to always happen. My dream was FINALLY coming true of becoming a mother, and that rug was pulled right out from under my feet. I have been kicked and whipped and beat over and over in this lifetime that sometimes I wish I could just push the 'easy' button and rewind and re-do everything I've ever done, differently. It's days like today that I regret not taking a moment to take it all in and be thankful for everything that I once had. It's days like to day that I just wish I could walk up to Breiton's memorial site, or Paige's grave and just pick them up and hold them and have a normal conversation with them.
On a normal day, everyone's complaining and 'shit' in their life doesn't bug me. But on days like today, it drives me NUTS how they can just complain about every little thing that goes wrong. I feel like its unfair that people look at the little things as major things. When I am starting to see major things as little things because they happen so often to me. It just doesn't make sense to me.
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Yesterday Pastor Jeremy's sermon for Easter Sunday was about Jesus giving his life up for us. He briefly talked about how Jesus came to save us from not only our sin, but also from hurt and grief. He wanted to take away our pain. I still haven't quite gotten my head around that idea. I am struggling to understand why there is still so much pain here on the physical earth. Maybe I misunderstood his point in this sermon, but that's sure what I thought he was saying. Hopefully, somebody, can explain this better to me...
People may see me as a strong individual for still having Faith. People may tell me over and over again about how strong I am, and how amazing my Faith is, but sometimes... I just DON'T feel it. Today, I definitely wasn't feeling it. I'm still not as I sit here bawling my eyes out writing this post. My candle is still light, but on days like today, it's just a dwindle. Ya know... when a candle has too much hot wax and the wick is barely keeping it's flame above the liquid. When I go to sleep, the flame will be blown out, and tomorrow I will start fresh, with all solid wax once again. Tomorrow, I'll wake up and it will be a whole new day, and I'll be back to my 'normal' self. Today was just one of those days where I needed to vent, get it out, and be done with it.
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