1/3rd of a year. 4 Months. 17 weeks. 119 days.
The amount of time I have survived without Paige. The days are starting
to blend together now that I have a job that keeps me occupied 60 hours a week,
but that doesn’t make it any easier at the end of the day to go to bed with
empty arms.
I’m really starting to miss the feeling of being a mother. The feeling of
pure joy and excitement as the due date draws near. I get overwhelmed when I
watch some of our closest friends experience parenthood. How they get to take
their little kids on “family trips” or get to experience their children’s
“firsts.” It truly is a very difficult task being a mother to a tiny baby
angel.
These past few weeks have been very hard on me. Brad is still working 3
hours away, which leaves me home alone whenever he is away. He has been coming
home on weekends, but I still wish we got to spend more time together. Life
just seems more complete with him around. I have been spending a lot of my time
with Mike, Tiff, and Alli as they live fairly close to us now. This past week I
have really noticed just how much I truly wish Paige was still here. I have
been able to experience Alli’s smile, her giggle, holding up her head on her
own (even if there are a few head bobs in there), finding out what rattles, feet, and hands are, her baptism, and I even got
the joy of taking her 3 month pictures. I never thought I would be jealous of
others parenthood, especially after having Paige, but here I am… coveting
friends’ lives. Even though I wish I could walk this journey with our friends,
just like I experienced the journey of pregnancy right along besides them, I
know, deep in my heart, there was SOME reason God didn’t want me to have Paige
in my life on earth. For SOME unknown reason, she wasn’t meant to be my earthly
child.
4 Months later I am still asking the question “Why me?”… I still haven’t
figured out the exact answer. It’s hard to see the positives in my journey with
Paige. When I ask myself what she gave
me, I can always come up with the negatives.
There seem to be barely any positives to me… I don’t know. It’s
confusing. What did I gain from Paige??... A broken heart… A huge stress factor
on my marriage that could crack at any moment… empty arms… useless baby
supplies (diapers, wipes, clothes, toys, books, blankets, etc…), and an even
bigger dream of being a mother to a beautiful, healthy, adorable little girl.
The only positives I can think of are that she gave me the best 6 months of my
life. 6 months of my life where my world revolved around her, where my daily
routine was based on her. 6 months of my life where I had everything I wanted.
I had a husband who was excited to becoming a dad and loved the two of us
unconditionally, a place I could call home, a family. And here I am.
Alive. Breathing. 4 Months after I thought my world ended. I’ll never
forget the doctors words “There is no movement in your baby’s chest…” Those
words will remain in my mind, as well as the overwhelming feeling of failure,
heartbreak, anger, frustration, fear, disbelief, and whatever other
un-explainable emotions all ran through my mind at that exact moment. But I am
surviving. Holding on. Life is getting better. I know God has a plan for me,
I’m just waiting for that plan to be something that I want… for something to go
right for once. He found me a house; he found me a job; now I just wish my
other prayers would be answered as well.
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