May 22

After 9 years of a life without the most amazing boy in my life, I am honestly trustful of Gods plan for me.

9 years ago today, I woke up thinking it was just going to be another typical Sunday afternoon. The dinner for the day was planned to be left over soup from the Monica Tent from the Tulip Festival, and we were going fishing at one of grandpa's fields where the creek flowed through it.

Tons of sucker-fish later, laughs and giggles from the younger kids, our lives all changed for forever.

9 years ago I never saw my life changing as much as it has so far, to this day. I've gone through so much pain. misery. loneliness. depression. So many emotions have been a subject of my life. So many feelings and different problems always present, always ready to pop up in my daily life.

After 9 years, I am able to accept my life for what it is. Many paths and journeys that I have been down, have not been in my life plan what-so-ever. God obviously had a different idea than I did.

Not a day has gone by that Breiton hasn't been ever-present to me and my life. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what it would be like if he were still with us... It's hard for me to imagine a 13 year old, TEENAGE boy running around, excited to start football, and other different sports. I cannot believe the time that has gone by since I saw the bright face and gorgeous smile of his.

I have the same thing with Paige. I can't do anything but imagine what life would be like. Paige would be just over 2 months old right now if everything had gone according to my plan. She would be cooing, smiling, and holding up her head all by herself. Just like I imagine "B" to be running laps around a football field, throwing shot put or running track. Oh how different life would be if we didn't lose the ones we love.

Everyone has experienced some kind of loss. Everyone has had to say goodbye, weather it was for a short time, or for the rest of their lives. Goodbye always sucks, and I feel like I've had to say it a few too many times in my life. But, as I said earlier, God obviously has a different idea than I did in my life plan.

As I live my years, according to God's plan, I am starting to learn more and more about the plan that is so much different than my own. When I see other people have to suffer through things they never planned on either, I can't help but wonder, how are they handling it? I can't help but think, are they stronger than me? Is there any way I can help? How do I show them I am here, when they want to do it all on their own?

... I seem to be one of those "I can do this on my own" type of person. I don't openly communicate about my feelings, accept for on here, my blog. Brad is my one, human excuse. He hears it all weather he wants to or not. He has been my rock for the past few weeks. Work is a stressful, full-time commitment. Brad has been here for me every step of the way. He has helped me become a better person, and I am so glad that we have worked through our issues after Paige. Nothing is ever perfect, but we have learned a lot about each other through this journey together.

9 years ago my life changed for forever. 9 years ago I lost one of the closest people in my life. As far as today goes, I miss Breiton, but I miss Paige also. I miss a lot of people who are no longer here with us. But, I am accepting the fact that this is in the past, and the present is now, time for me to live it. The future is in Gods hands, and there is nothing I can do to change it.

Much Love, Roz