Memorial Day

Well, Brad and I made it past the first Memorial Day since Paige.

Awkward.

Everyone always thinks that Memorial Day is all about the veterans, or those who served in active duty, or were in the military... but for some of us... it's not entirely about that.

I do not mean to be rude to those who have a special place for Memorial Day for a lost soldier, a vet, or a military family member/friend/whomever it should be. But for me, Memorial Day has a completely different meaning.

I looked up the meaning of Memorial Day on Google, just to see what comes up as the definition, and this is what I got:


me·mo·ri·al day  

Noun A day, the last Monday in May, on which those who died in active military service are remembered. (in the Southern states) Any of various days (esp. the fourth Monday in April) for similar remembrances.

Even according to Google, Memorial Day is a day to remember those who were in the military service. Once again, I don't mean to be rude, but for me, it's not only about that.

I have other family members and friends that I believe ought to have a day of remembrance also. Not just those who were in the military. To me, Memorial Day is a holiday where I can morn the loss of two very special loved ones in my life. Memorial Day always used to be a day of "gathering" for my family after Breiton died. It was a day for us to get together, have a huge picnic in the park, and talk about the amazing smile, the awesome times, and the endless love we had for my little brother. It was a day of happiness, laughter, and grief.

This year, another little body was added to the list of morning for me. Paige. As much as I so wanted to go and visit her grave, once again, I lost the courage to do it. I am dreading the day. I had some family members bring a flower pot out there, and they texted me to tell me I could take it to the house if I wanted it there instead... Even with an excuse to go and visit her grave, I have still denied myself the opportunity. I just can't force myself to go. I'm just not ready. I like to sit here in my big house, working 12 hour days, playing with the dogs, acting like my life is normal. Acting like nothing ever happened to me. It's just easier. I try and forget the pain, suffering, and memories. I numb myself.

I know I will eventually have to tear down that wall of "sealed off from reality," face my fears, and visit her grave. I know that some day I will have to go and order that headstone, decide what style we want, what words to use... but today just isn't that day. I know it will come. I know it will suck. I'm just hoping that someday down the road it will be easier that it would have been today, had I chosen to go today.

Every day it gets easier and easier for me to look at all of Paige's stuff that I have around the house. Pictures, memorial candles, toys, funeral gifts, etc. I know that eventually it will be the same thing as how I now feel about Breiton. I still think about him alot, but I have had 8 years to recover. Just like with Paige, I will have (hopefully) many years to recover, and to start fresh once again. It seems like yesterday, but we are up to 5 months since she entered this world as and Angel, and it will be many more months before I will see her again, but I know that option is there, as long as I live my faith and my life in Gods path.