Everyone has something that happens within their lives.. and they don't understand why it happens. Whether it was something good or bad that happened... it still happened. Maybe you strive for success, either for a short time period or a long time. Maybe you fail over and over and just can't get over the hump of failure. Some people don't understand right at first, some people don't understand for years, or even the rest of their lives.
Most of you know the recent events in my life. A huge hump that I am still struggling to climb over and to understand. I know things like this take time, but right now I just want to understand. As much as I "understand" that in time I will truly understand, I really just want to know "why?" right now.
One thing that has become more noticeable to me is the daily population of babies that are present. I never really paid special attention to babies, children, or even pregnant ladies before I was pregnant. While I was pregnant I paid more and more attention as the weeks passed by and I was becoming more and more excited to welcome Paige into our lives. I would poke Brad and say "Aaaww... look how cute he/she is!" or "Look at that adorable outfit he/she has on." The other night while we were sitting at dinner, there was a baby crying nearby in the restaurant. It didn't bug me that the baby was crying. I mean, come-on.. it's a baby. It's bound to cry once in a while... What bugged me was the fact that the mother was paying absolutely no attention to her baby. She was too busy enjoying happy hour and socializing that she just left the baby in it's car seat and let it cry. This pissed me off. Instantly. I wanted to walk over there and pick her baby up for her and ask her for a bottle... but I knew that would be downright rude. At the same time I was pissed off because I would do anything to have a baby that I could care for. I understand she was maybe annoyed of "motherhood" as a baby is a lot to deal with... but at the same time there are people who would "kill" (not literally...) to be in her shoes.
This is that part where the "Why?" comes back into my life. I just want to know why God would put me through this. Losing Paige at such a young age has, so far, seemed easier than losing my brother at the age of 4 1/2. Key word.. "Seemed." I'm not really sure how it will seem later on down the road, but so far it's seemed to be easier. Paige never breathed the air we breathe. She wasn't present on this earth as her "own being", but as a part of me. Yes, she was her own person, but we never got to experience WHO she was our would be. I think this made it easier than losing someone we have know for all of their lives, such as Breiton, my brother. Paige was a daily part of my life, yes, but I feel like it is different. I think that this would be so much harder had Paige been born alive and lived only a short time, or even any length of time, and then we had lost her. I comfort myself in knowing that she was born as a perfect angel. She never had to experience the hurt and sins of the earth. The pain that people live through each and every day. She never had to experience disappointment or pain or heart break. It makes me feel so much better to understand this much. Even though I don't understand "Why?", I understand that she is much happier where she is. As much as I wish she was here with us today, I know she is happy now. Even though I know it is going to be a rough road pursuing another pregnancy and watching two of our other friend's soon to be expected baby girl's grow up, I know it was all intended to happen this way.
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5
Maybe someday I will understand the work of God and why this happened, maybe I will never understand. Who knows? All I need to understand right now is that God has a plan for everything. He had a special reason to call Paige to him before we ever got to meet her.
Roz
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