Home Alone...

I tell you what...

Being home alone sucks. I was home alone for the first time in what seems like forever last night. I am home alone yet again tonight... and no, the dog's don't count! Even with the dogs being home, it still sucks being here all by myself.

Tonight especially. I've realized that my life is moving on. Maybe it's moving on to bigger and better things than school, undergrad jobs, and trailer/city living. I don't really know where my life is going in the near or distant future. I just know it's moving past the "Ames" stage. I am excited but not at the same time. Excited to start a career in something that I love doing, working with animals. But at the same time... it's a lot of work to FIND that career.... Excited to start a new chapter in our lives together... but not excited to move past the recent events and embrace the future. Not that we are trying to forget everything that has happened! That will never happen! But just accepting it and moving on to the next steps in life...

As much as I am SO ready to be moved out of this house... I'm gunna miss it too! I mean, comeon! It was Brad and I's first house that we bought together. Home sweet Trailer. Even with the constant overflowing toilet tank, the frozen pipes, the hole in the floor, mice, huge heating bills... This has become "home." This was the place where we were supposed to bring Paige home to....

Which leads me to the "baby room"/ "office." I don't know what to call it anymore. It WAS the office before I took the desk and all of my school stuff out of there and started painting it. Now it's half painted yellow with brown paw prints and half light green and yellow. I can't figure out what I want to do with that room once we get all our junk moved out of this house.... Do I want to take the effort to paint it back to yellow with paw prints? Or do I want to go through the emotions of painting the rest of it green and yellow... the colors that were meant to be for Paige... I wish this simple decision wasn't so hard to make.

It seems so ironic to me that 2 days before we found out Paige had passed away I had started painting the room. My inpatients, yet again, got the best of me and I just COULDN'T wait to start the baby room. Why couldn't I have just waited until AFTER we had gotten back from our trip home for the New Year? Ironic. I really need to work on my patience. Stop. Breathe. Collect myself. Move on. Simple steps to not get all worked up about little things and to just remain calm and not freak out about something stupid. If only I had waited to started painting it would have been so much less pain to come home. There wouldn't be a "baby room"... just and empty office. It would have been a lot easier to come home and move the desk and stuff back into that room instead of having to re-paint and re-purpose that room.

Anywho. Like I said. Being home alone sucks. I can't wait for Brad and I to get a place down in the area that we are both working/looking for jobs in. It will be nice to have him home every night! He is coming home to Ames tonight, but it will be late. He has been working a lot of days lately and the hours stretch on and on. He is in need of a vacation! ... Even though Denver is sort of a vacation... he worked his tail off all week. We are hopefully taking a vacation together this summer. I really want the two of us to just "get away" for a while and have some "us" time. It seems like everywhere we go there is always someone we know that is there too. ... Doesn't help that Brad knows half of the country!!

It is nice to have him home alone with me. I feel more secure and happy when he is around. When I am alone I just feel like I'm falling apart into little pieces that will never be "repuzzled" back together in the correct order. Like I'll never return to being "me." When he's home or near me I at least feel like he keeps me sane and grounded. Like I'm not going to just float away and disappear. It's mainly when I am completely alone. The dog's these past couple of nights have been keeping me sane. :) ... they sure know how to be cuddlers! I just love it.... They cuddle so much its nearly annoying! But... they are mama's girls!

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