Well... I made the trip to Northwest Iowa yesterday to go visit some friends after having their baby on Monday. ... I preceded to waste the day away with my father, attempting to ignore the emotions that were pulling me towards the hospital, yet making me want to run back to Anita.
Last night I sucked up the nervousness and went to see Mike and Tiff in the hospital so I could meet little miss Allison for the first time.
... and the emotions came.
Sure. I was nervous walking into that hospital room alone. I didn't know what to expect from myself. When I'm alone I get all choked up thinking about little Allison and the life that she gets to experience with her parents, and the life her parents get to experience with her. I get jealous of Mike and Tiff, their parents, their siblings, etc. I get jealous about what they get to experience, the love they get to pour out to that little bundle of joy, and jealous of many other things. My mind starts to race about everything, so many thoughts going through my head at once. Everything leads into me getting angry. Angry with myself for allowing this to happen (even though I KNOW it's NOT my fault....). Angry at God for having this be a part of his plan for us. Angry that I don't get to experience that joy and excitement of being the mother of a growing child. My mind asks question after question even though I have accepted that this happened for a reason. Spiritually I've accepted the events and am working on growing stronger, healing my heart. Mentally I can't get around the question "Why?" Mentally I can't figure out how to accept this.
When I walked into that room I mostly expected to feel an overwhelming feeling of jealousy and sadness. Instead I was surprised to feel excitement and joy. I was joyful that Mike and Tiff got to welcome their little bundle of pink. I was excited that they get to experience that "motherly"/"fatherly" love for the first time. Even though I was slightly jealous, I was overwhelmed with an "aunts" love for the little tyke. She is adorable. She's content. She's precious. And... she's going to be spoiled!
When I left the hospital, yet again I experienced some jealousy. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away. It will get better, I'm sure, but there will always be that thought of "I Wish..." At the same time I walked out excited to go back again to see her. As much as I know it will hurt for years down the road, I'm excited to watch this little tyke grow up, scuff her knees after tripping over her own feet while learning to walk. Teaching her funny words and listening to her learn to talk. I can't wait to experience that. I feel like I'll be vicariously living through Mike and Tiff to learn what it's like to be the parent of a sleeping, crying, pooping baby.
I visited them again today before they were discharged from the hospital. Oh how I wish I could have watched Tink, their obnoxious (but loving) corgi/beagle dog welcome little Allison home. I can't wait to see the interaction between that little girl and her new best friend. I can't wait to go back home to see her. I'm sure she will grow like a weed, and living away from home will make it harder to see her often enough that she won't seem to be growing quite so quickly.
Like I said earlier. Spiritually I have accepted that this was a part of God's plan. God wrote my letter, He wrote my life, He wrote His plan for me. Whether God plans for us to bring a Baby Punt #2 into this world or if God has decided that Paige was enough, I have hope in the future that God will provide the necessities for our happiness and our survival. I've tried planning out my life before, obviously it didn't go as I had planned. I have learned to leave everything in God's hands, even if it is not what we want, how we want it, God has it all under control. Right now I'm just trying to focus on healing. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It's been a rough road, and I'm ready to just let God do his work and be along for the ride. I'm ready for God to transform my heart into the new person that this experience is going to make me become. I'm ready to forgive God for putting me through this hurt because I know his hurt for me and everyone else is more overwhelming that my own hurt.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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