Emotions and Feelings.

Whewfta...

I'm officially back at "home." Laying in my own, little, twin size bed at the bunk house here in a "Whale of a Town", Anita, IA. After nearly 12 hours on the road (with pit stops for lunch, supper, and a fuel refill), we are home. Or... at least back at home away from home....

A lot of time on the road gave me a lot of thinking time. I'm not much of a radio listener, or a talker on the road... but I'm a major thinker. Today was another rough day for me, as is to be expected. I'm not going to say I'm getting "used" to rough days, but I am starting to become immune to the effects of them.

To start the day out, I received a text at midnight last night saying that one of our close friends went to the hospital last night and was admitted to Labor and Delivery. I knew this was coming. I was prepared for that certain text. Either way I knew that she was going to deliver this week because she was set to be induced on Thursday. I told myself I was prepared to cross this bridge. I knew it is inevitable. ... Little did I know that at 4 AM I would be wide awake worrying about how I would react to her delivery. When I awoke at 7 AM I was reminded by maternal instincts that today was 3 weeks since we delivered Paige. She would have been three weeks old today had she been born alive, or possibly even still "cooking" within me.

At 10 AM (Mountain Time.. so 11 AM Central Time), I received a call from Tiffany saying that Allison Jolene Van Roekel was welcomed into this world with a healthy set of lungs and a head full of brown hair. Weighing in at 7 lbs and 9 oz, measuring 20 inches long. My initial reaction was joy and excitement on becoming an .... "adopted".... aunt. But after getting off the phone with Tiffany I realized I wasn't that excited anymore. Instead I felt jealousy and pain as I realized that they got to experience everything in this journey in a joyful way, while Brad and I had to suffer through it.

Jealousy. How do you overcome that overwhelming feeling that just takes reigns over your being? How do you break those bonds that tie you to those feelings? I'm not really sure. I know we have a long journey ahead. Much more pain and suffering is in the future. I haven't even met little miss Allison, but I know she will steal my heart. Even though I am jealous of Mike and Tiff for having their dream come true while ours was taken away. Jealous that they get to spend sleepless nights and tireless days watching their baby girl grow, fuss, coo, and learn. Jealous that their parents and siblings get to experience that joy and excitement of being grandparents and aunts and uncles. So many different things that I am jealous of. So many things I DON'T want to feel, let alone admit...

I won't lie. I am very excited to go visit them in the hospital tomorrow. I just don't know how I'm supposed to react. Do I cry? Do I hide my jealousy? Do I admit to them that this is hard for me, but I need to accept it? How do you react to a situation like this? So many questions, and no one to answer them for me. How am I supposed to react? Will I feel hurt? confused? mad? jealous? excited? anxious? hopeful? I don't know. I wish someone could answer my questions for me instead of me having to experience this. I expect to feel pain in knowing that I will never get to raise Paige like they get to experience with Allison. I expect to feel jealous for everything they get to experience. I just don't know what to expect from myself.

I welcome tomorrow with open arms, finding comfort in the fact that .... "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13.