As I look back over my life, I've realized it's not as bad as I have always seen it to be. There is always someone out there who has it worse than us.
On Thursday last week Brad's truck broke down, yet again. I was so emotional about everything going on that I just felt like we were drowning in life. Hospital bills, funeral bills, post-natal check-up and pre-existing maternity bills, myself being without a paycheck for the time being, traveling back and forth from Ames and NW Iowa, Brad's great grandpa passing away, my school loans just around the corner, trying to find a job and new home, it just felt like everything was piling up higher and higher. Financial, spiritual, physical, emotional stress seem to be at maximum lately.
A recent text message from my father really uplifted some emotions for me....
"When it rains it pours. Jus remember .... no matter how bad we feel we have it... there are others that have been dealt worse things than what we have :(. Things get better it just takes patience and time :)" ... "You have ups too... graduating college... having good friends and family :s?? (Lol)...."
After re-reading through the conversation we had, I do realize my life isn't as bad as I thought it was. He's right. There are always people out there that have it worse than us. I know I have a God who cares for me, and hurts just as bad as I over losing Paige and my brother Breiton. What about those who don't know God? Without God I don't know what I would do. I'd be finding comfort somewhere else, I'm sure, and to me that doesn't sound promising or encouraging. At all.
With God I can continue, knowing that one day my baby girl will be returned to my arms. I can look forward to that day in the future. It may take 5 years, it may take another 70 years, who knows? God knows. God has her waiting patiently for me in a place without pain, suffering, sin. A perfect place for a my perfect angel. I know that practically all of my posts lately have been about God's plan and the path that he is paving for me. I'm sorry for being so repetitive, but right now it's what is getting me through the days and weeks.
Today I took a stroll through Wal-Mart picking up a few random stuff that we needed at the Bunk House and some groceries for supper. Of course, the baby section is right at the end of one of the grocery aisles and I caught a glimpse of a cute onezie. I walked over to take a look, not even double thinking about it, out of habit I guess. Then I realized that I had nothing to buy the cute stuff for. I choked back a few tears, fearful of what other shoppers would think when they saw a 22 year old bawling in the baby section. On my ride back to the farm from Atlantic, many thoughts raced across my mind. When would I be able to fill my empty arms with a child of my own? When would the hurt be taken away? I know Paige will never be replaced, and I don't ask that God would do that for us. I know Paige is here with us spiritually, watching over us, protecting us. Our Angel.
So for now, we're just waiting on the future. Brad and I know that God will call us to have another baby when He has it planned out, if it's in His plans. We know that we cannot "plan" baby #2 because God already has His plan laid out for us. We have decided to just go through the motions and follow God's will. Even with all the stress of everything piling on top, God planned it this way for a reason. Maybe it's to test the strength of our relationship. Maybe it's to makes us better people, stronger believers. Only God knows. I go through the days knowing that one day, Paige will be with me again. One day Brad and I will be able to hold a child of our own in our arms again. Whether it be soon or in the distant future. We will get there again.
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