4 Weeks and Counting...

So, this post was supposed to be published yesterday, but my internet wasn’t connecting due to bad weather. So here it is, a day late!

Today marked 4 weeks since our little Paige was born. I cannot believe how fast time has flown by, but drags on at the same time. I am blessed to be able to keep my mind busy and attempt to not ponder all day every day. There are good days and there are bad days, like I have mentioned before. Today was a good day. Tonight, not so much, but after some thinking, it all makes sense once again.

Brad and I attended the Trausch Farms’s futurity “In It To Win It” show this past weekend. This is an annual show that they put on for anyone who has bought a calf from Trausch Farms and consigned sale cattle, in summary. This was a really great show and it was a lot of fun to catch up with good friends and meet even more people. Being more involved in Brad’s work and what he does has really opened me up to being introduced to the people that he does business with and works with throughout the country.

Brad has been sick since Denver, and brought it home with him… The entire crew woke up yesterday morning feeling like they got hit by a truck, including me. Last night I got barely any sleep between myself feeling like donkey butt, and 3 full grown men, in the same room, snoring and coughing all through the night. Today Brad and I went into the Dr. and he prescribed some meds. The pressure in my sinus’ is so high that my ears are even plugged and I have a hard time hearing… Z-Pak… you BETTER work!

I then made the trek to Ames to drop off one of the guys who helped at the show this weekend and to grab some more necessities that I had forgotten there last week (like half of my clothes!). I spent a majority of the afternoon doing 4 loads of laundry at the house instead of doing it in Anita at the Laundromat (Ames = Free, Anita = $5 a load…..). An afternoon at a house without cable, internet, OR DVD’s is pretty boring!

On my way back to Anita, of course I was bored, and just HAD to check my Facebook. I realized that our friends Mike and Tiffany had gotten pictures taken of little Allison and the photographer had posted them online. Being curious, I checked them out. They are absolutely ADORABLE! I cannot believe the cuteness that little Alli exhibits at all times. Alli in her little lion hat, and then the sock monkey picture! What is there NOT to love about that little girl?!?! That’s when I realized that I will never be able to have pictures like that of Paige. And then the waterworks came.

It’s hard for me to “realize” stuff. I knew that this was one of the things that would become something I would have to deal with. I knew from the beginning that I would never be able to be a “normal” mother who got to do everything with her new baby girl such as newborn, 6 month, 1 year, family, etc. pictures. I knew I would never get to dress her up in the adorable little outfits that we, and others, had bought for Paige as gifts. As much as I “knew” that these were all results of our situation, it is still hard for me to realize that it’s real. It’s not just a dream. As much as I wish it was a dream, it is reality.

Reality.

As much as I dislike reality currently, I know it’s necessary. As insane as reality can get, it’s insane for a reason. As my life seems to keep falling apart, I know it’s not as long as I put it all in God’s hands. As much as it hurts to realize that I cannot do anything to change my future or the path that I am going down, I know that God has it all planned out for me and he has paved my road before the wheels are even assembled onto my car.

Proverbs 16:9 NIV

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”

…. THE LORD DETERMINES HIS STEPS.

The Bible tells us flat out how it is. No confusion. We can try and plan our own course, we can dream of the future and hope for what we want and how we want our lives to go, but God already has it written down. He already decided where our lives are to go and what is to happen. I find comfort in knowing that God has my life in his hands. I can trust in Him to guide me down the path that I need to follow no matter where my life ends up going.