Jealous Of The Angels

Last week Wednesday afternoon Brad had left with a couple of his co-workers to Fort Worth, Texas for the stock show. Recently I've been finding it very difficult to be alone, on my own. I get lonely, even with the two dogs for entertainment, and a few people running around and about on the farm. I feel completely alone when Brad is gone. There's nothing to do here. I have no friends. I have no job. No cable, no internet (besides my phone), nothing. Everything I know and enjoy is in Ames or Sioux County. 

It's been very difficult for me recently, letting Brad travel the continental US. It's not even JUST the fact that I get lonely and bored here alone, but also the fact that I feel so, overwhelmingly protective. Brad feels like I'm running his life recently. I admit. I am a little overwhelming lately. But I can't help but feel that way.  Tight now I physically and mentally feel like I should be caring for a baby. Instead I'm sitting here caring for my sick self, sleeping the days away, all by myself. Not only am I spiritually confused, but emotionally, mentally, physically. It's all confusing for me. 

Sunday evening I had to run to Omaha to pick up Brad from the Airport. He had been in Texas since Thursday, and I was more than ready for him to return to Iowa. Everything feels almost complete when Brad is here. I don't feel like all of me is floating around in space. On my ride to Omaha, a song popped up on the radio that I don't think I've ever heard. 


"Jealous of the Angels" by Jenn Bostic 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBg9btpGqKU

I didn't know today would be our last 
Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast 
I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore 
Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door 
And tell me that I was only dreamin' 
You're not really gone as long as I believe 

There will be another angel 
Around the throne tonight 
Your love lives on inside of me, 
And I will hold on tight 
It's not my place to question, 
Only God knows why 
I'm just jealous of the angels 
Around the throne tonight 

You always made my troubles feel so small 
And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall 
In a world where heroes come and go 
Well God just took the only one I know 
So I'll hold you as close as I can 
Longing for the day, when I see your face again 
But until then 

God must need another angel 
Around the throne tonight 
Your love lives on inside of me 
And I will hold on tight 
It's not my place to question 
Only God knows why 
I'm just jealous of the angels 
Around the throne tonight 

Singin' hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
Hallelujah 
I'm just jealous of the angels 
Around the throne 
Tonight



This song brought tears to my eyes. It describes a very strong emotion that runs through my blood lately. Jealousy. This song nails it. I am jealous of the angels around the throne. God took the only one who was there to listen to me 24-7. The only one who would put up with me no matter what. The one who made my problems and complaints disappear. My peace. My love. My child, my daughter. I'm jealous because the angels get to spend every waking moment with my baby. I'm jealous because so many other parent's get to care for their babies, while I'm stuck here empty handed. I'm jealous because so many others get to experience exactly what I cannot. I wish, so bad, I could hold her, feed her, change her stinky-poopy diaper. But I can't. 



Like the song says, "It's not my place to question, only God knows why." I don't understand why. Nobody ever truly understands why God puts us through what he does. We just understand he had a reason. For some reason He wanted us to suffer a little more, right along with Him. We weren't the only one's who lost Paige. He did too. It hurts Him, just like it hurts us. I just wish I could understand why. What is He trying to tell me? First my brother. Then my parent's divorce. Now Paige. What is He trying to make me see? Am I so blind that all these things must keep happening to my life? What is it?! I'm not really sure, but I am sure attempting to figure it out. 

It just sucks. Our other best friends are preparing for their baby to come within the next couple of weeks. Another emotional roller coaster that I get to enjoy. I am so glad though that none of our friends had to experience this journey. It is just so hard I would never wish it upon my worst enemy. I love hearing stories about everyone's babies though, and seeing pictures of them. It's hard. It really is, but It's helping me heal also. It's nice to know that we have so many good friends who are willing to let me be involved in their babies lives since I can't be physically involved in my own. 

I will get through it! Music has been my therapy lately, as well as blogging. I don't blog as often as I used to, but I'm trying. I feel so repetitive blogging about the same thing over and over. I'm afraid you readers are going to get bored. :-/ Maybe I'm wrong... but still. 

Until next time, XOXO Roz